


Chasing the Wind

by FloraTheWriter



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abandonment, Alcohol, Broken Family, Broken Hearts, Bullying, Coming Out, Dealing with Homophobia, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Heavy Angst, High school relationships, Homophobia, Kissing, Lots of food because these boys eat a lot, M/M, Moving On, Past Relationships, Pining, Unrequited Love, alternative universe, seungjin - Freeform, seunglix, travelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 38,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25073704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FloraTheWriter/pseuds/FloraTheWriter
Summary: Felix was like the wind. Seungmin could never hold on to him; he kept slipping through Seungmin's fingers.Seungmin knows how Hyunjin feels about him, and maybe he feels the same. But years after Lee Felix broke his heart, Seungmin still finds it difficult to move on. Seeking answers as to why Felix had broken his heart back in high school, Seungmin sets out to find him, and discovers that his heart was just the first in a trail of broken hearts left by Felix.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Kim Seungmin/Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 90





	1. Present

**Author's Note:**

> Please pay attention to the tags 💗💗💗  
> Hoping to update weekly 💞  
> Enjoy!!! 💕💕💕💕  
> \- Flora 🌸

Seungmin watched with an unwavering gaze as the sun dipped beneath the horizon, dyeing the vaporous Seoul sky a brilliant shade of orange, then red, and finally a blue so dark, it was almost black. His bottle of beer felt warm beneath his fingertips and he sighed in defeat as he returned to the fridge to retrieve another. 

“Hey,” Hyunjin gave him a curious smile when he entered the kitchen. The blonde stood regally, leaning against the kitchen counter, a glass of wine in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. Even in an old knitted sweater and worn blue jeans he looked like something out of a fashion magazine. Seungmin did once get him to admit he’d done a few modelling gigs in college. “You were out there for a while.”

“I was, wasn’t I?” Seungmin grimaced as he grabbed a cold one from the fridge, cringing at the already diminishing quantity of alcohol. His two friends had only arrived a day ago yet his alcohol and food supply has sufficiently shrunk. “Guess I lost track of time,” he drew back from the fridge. “Is Sung still asleep?”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin laughed, his eyes crinkling, “I thought the alcohol might remedy his jetlag but…” he gave Seungmin a skeptical look. “I guess it just gave him more of an excuse to sleep.” Of course, Hyunjin would be put off by that. He was one of those who rose early and made the most of their day before surrendering to sleep. 

Seungmin chuckled and hopped up onto the counter, brushing brunette bangs away from his eyes. “You both only just met so I guess you don’t know this but Jisung loves his bed more than he loves himself. In other words, he loves sleep  _ a hell of a lot _ .” He smiled fondly at the memory of all the times he’d had to drag Jisung out of his bed – quite literally.

While Seungmin lived a twenty minute drive away from Hyunjin, after college Jisung had moved away to Malaysia with his parents, and now owned a small real estate agency, which meant he only ever left the country to visit South Korea once or twice a year. It was a shame considering he was Seungmin’s closest friend and one of the best things about his childhood.

The best memories of his childhood all included getting up to mischief with Jisung – stealing cookies, riding their bikes out farther than they were allowed, kidnapping the neighbour’s Pomeranian to take him out for spontaneous walks, and dunking each other in the stream during hot summers. You name it – they did it. 

Seungmin grabbed a slice of pizza from the box, picking out the mushrooms, and all too aware of Hyunjin’s eyes following his every movement.

“Are you doing okay, Minnie?”

There it was. Seungmin inwardly sighed. Why did Hyunjin  _ always _ have to ask? Unlike Jisung who Seungmin had known since he was in diapers, he’d known Hyunjin for all of seven months. They’d run into each other at a grocery store and connected through their mutual love for sweet potatoes. Exchanging family recipes for sweet potato pie had led to a very unlikely friendship. 

In all honesty, Hyunjin didn’t know him as well as Jisung did, but every time they were together Seungmin could swear Hyunjin saw right through him, past the mask Seungmin wore, past his barriers, past his façade. 

“I’m fine.” Seungmin bit into his slice of pizza, chewing slowly before swallowing and turning to look at Hyunjin. “I’m fine, honestly. Things are looking up. Law school’s done. Just signed a twelve month work contract for a great firm, moved into this amazing apartment and…” he shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I be fine?”

“But are you  _ happy _ ?”

Seungmin tipped his head back and stared at the ceiling. “Come  _ on _ , man,” he groaned. “I’m happy. Can’t you see that?”

To Seungmin, his ‘happiness’ was pretty visible. He smiled, he laughed, he went out with friends, he went to parties, he threw parties, he went to soccer games, he hosted post-game barbeques, he ate too much, he spent vacations at the seaside, he did everything that happy people did. There was no reason for anyone to suspect that beneath it all lurked a profound sense of sadness, of loss.

But Hyunjin saw it all and it scared Seungmin that someone was willing to pay that much attention to him, to notice the little things, to notice when his mask slipped, able to find the cracks in his walls. 

“Guys, I’m hungry!” Jisung’s shout reached them from wherever in the two bedroom apartment he’d dosed off. 

“Okay, then,” Hyunjin relented with an unconvinced nod, giving him a pat on the shoulder and a small smile before he strode into the living room. He always probed but he knew not to push.

Seungmin sighed in relief that he’d let it go, however temporarily. He grabbed the pizza box and followed, plastering a smile onto his face. 

“Can’t believe you started eating without me,” Jisung pouted, lifting the box out of Seungmin’s hands and sitting cross-legged on the couch. 

“You know,” Seungmin’s lips lifted at the corners, “I thought this was going to be a house warming party but you’re warming your bed more than anything else.”

Jisung wasn’t bothered. “We got  _ so _ wasted last night,” he shook his head, giving Seungmin a wistful smile.

“ _ You _ got so wasted,” Hyunjin corrected, exchanging a skeptical look with Seungmin. “Minnie and I spent the entire day by ourselves because you couldn’t pull yourself out of bed.”

“ _ Minnie and I _ ,” Jisung teased in a high-pitched voice, snorting out a laugh and choking when Seungmin stuffed his mouth with a slice of pizza. Hyunjin pressed his lips together, clearly trying to suppress his smile. And Seungmin pretended that he couldn’t see his blush, tactfully resorting to stuffing his own mouth next. 

“I did get out of bed,” Jisung mumbled through his mouthful. “For brunch.”

“And then you went back to bed,” Seungmin scolded, laughing despite himself. “You only have a few days left here. Let’s not waste it again.” His eyes flickered to the hardcover book wedged between Jisung and the cushion. “Hey, what’s  _ that _ ?”

“Oh!” Jisung’s eyes widened and he hurriedly put down his half eaten slice. “So, here’s what happened.” Seungmin recognized Jisung’s signature story-telling posture and settled back to hear his tale. “I met this client at a café and this  _ really _ hot waitress caught my eye –”

“Wait, what happened to the florist?” Seungmin interrupted, recalling how just two weeks ago Jisung had been gushing about her over the phone.

“Jeez, Seungmin,” Jisung sighed. “That’s old news. Now listen. She left me her number on a napkin. So I got home, called her, we went out for drinks. And then she came back to my place.”

Seungmin scrunched his nose, hoping Jisung wouldn’t go into detail, but this was Jisung so…

“So I was pretty excited, because she was  _ really _ hot,” he proceeded to make a gesture with his hands to demonstrate the shape of her body, “and you know, I was about to get my di–”

“Can we skip the gory details?” Hyunjin made a face. “Please?”

“Gory?” Jisung scowled at him. “Fine. Afterwards, she wanted a tour of the house so I showed her around and she saw that box where I keep my old school stuff and I found this yearbook in there.”

“You could’ve just said  _ that _ in the first place,” Hyunjin gave him an exasperated look which Jisung responded to by making an obscene gesture using both his middle fingers.

But Seungmin was still gawking at the book. “Is that our  _ senior _ yearbook?” he grabbed it from Jisung’s hands and both his friends joined him on the carpet, engaging in a short game of tug-of-war before just settling on placing the book in the middle.

They spent close to an hour looking at the school staff, Jisung pointing out their favorites to Hyunjin, making shoddy remarks about their mean no-nonsense teachers, and narrating tales about the times they’d got into trouble, or narrowly avoided it. Hyunjin, a newly qualified art teacher, was quick to defend his profession, ending up in a dramatic debate with Jisung which Seungmin carefully mediated, preventing it from getting heated like almost every other time the two happened to be in the same room. 

Seungmin let Jisung do all the talking, mindful of the fact that his best friend had fonder memories than he did of their senior year. To Seungmin it had been a year of nightmares, and one that he didn’t like to revisit often. 

And when Seungmin turned the page over to see  _ ‘CLASS OF 2012’ _ written at the top, he felt that pang of emptiness. Jisung blabbered excitedly about their old classmates and where they were now, who was driving what car, who’d been married thrice, who had twelve cats… But Seungmin could only look at that empty space, five rows down, three photos to the right. He touched a finger to the dark empty square which gaped at him, and the name printed in italics struck a chord in his heart, so powerful that he began to tremble.

_ Lee Felix _

He dipped his head, letting his bangs fall over his eyes to mask their glassiness. He screwed his eyes shut, trying to shut out the torrent of memories battering down on him. But it had only taken that one name to tear down the carefully constructed walls he’d built.

The vacant space in an eight year old yearbook shouldn’t have bothered him. But it did. He’d learned ages ago that where Felix was concerned, his feelings were always a whole mess. 


	2. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be careful - chapters alternate between present and past - just read the chapter title 💕

Seungmin drew his foot back, aiming for the corner of the goalpost. The ball sailed into the air, dropping in height faster than he’d intended it to. Of course, it landed with a thud about a meter away from the goalpost. “Not bad,” he lied to himself.

“That was shit, even for practice.”

He whipped around to see Jisung lounging back on the bleachers. “When’d you get here?” He chose to ignore the brutally honest remark (what were best friends for?).

“Five minutes ago,” Jisung shrugged, running his fingers through his brown hair. At first, Seungmin had thought Jisung’s parents would flip out after he dyed it, but they hadn’t. According to Jisung, his mother sometimes looked regretfully at his hair, but he hadn’t even been grounded. Imagine that.

If it had been Seungmin’s parents… He hated to think of what they would do if he suddenly turned up at breakfast with a different hair color. 

“Well then,” Seungmin picked up the orange practice beacons, stacking them onto each other, “you obviously missed my other two goals.”

His best friend rolled his eyes and patted the space beside him. “Bro, why you out here so early anyway? It’s like 7:30 right now. And I bet you’ve been out here for ages.”

“I got here at seven,” Seungmin took a seat, squinting up at the sweltering sun. “Today’s gonna be a scorcher.”

“Yeah but it’s better than rain. Who wants rain on our first day of senior year?”

“Not me,” Seungmin shuddered at the thought, “I’m walking home today. Mum’s hosting one of her book club things so she’s going all out to impress. You know how it is.”

“Dude!”

“What?” 

Jisung rose to his feet, slinging his neon green backpack over his shoulder. “Let’s go. I came to find you for a reason.”

“Really?” Seungmin snorted. “You mean you weren’t just looking for a spot to sunbathe?”

“That too. But let’s go.”

Seungmin rushed after him, trying to slip on his maroon blazer and tidy his hair at the same time. “Sung, where the hell are we going?”

The courtyard was busy, students chattering excitedly about the new year, exchanging hugs and squealing in delight when they saw their friends a meter away. 

“There was chaos in the school hallway, Mr Deputy School President,” Jisung sneered at him. 

Seungmin stopped in his tracks, grabbing Jisung’s elbow to halt him before he pushed open the double doors leading to hell. “What do you mean?” He hated to think he’d been kicking around a ball  _ outside _ while everything went to shit  _ inside _ the school. Daehwi, the school president, would never let him hear the end of it, especially since he’d beat Seungmin by a really narrow margin and not the landslide he’d expected. In fact, just  _ two _ votes had separated him from Seungmin, and he’d been out for blood ever since the election.

“There’s a new kid,” Jisung said as if that explained anything. 

Seungmin stared.

“And he’s really weird. He’s got purple hair. And ear-piercings.”

Well,  _ that _ definitely explained it. 

“Exactly,” Jisung smirked at the look on his face. “Even  _ my _ parents aren’t that open-minded. C’mon,” he grabbed Seungmin’s arm, kicking open the doors like he was some superhero in a Marvel movie. “You have to see.”

Seungmin was dragged past the admin office where the old woman behind the desk greeted him with embarrassing enthusiasm. Of course Seungmin was popular with old people… and young people, and everyone, really. 

He was naturally charismatic and charming, his mother always told him. But Jisung always referred to it as an innate survival skill. And it was.

Seungmin’s people-skills had gotten both him and Jisung through high school unscathed. Well, almost. They still had senior year to get through, but that would be over in no time. Hopefully.

“Oh, he’s not here anymore.”

Seungmin shot Jisung a reproachful look. “Did you really expect him to stand around while everyone pointed and threw insults at him? Of course he’s not here,” he snorted.

Jisung rolled his eyes. “You have a point,” he conceded. “And insults weren’t the only thing they were throwing.”

“They were throwing  _ stuff _ at him?” Seungmin cringed. 

“Yup,” Jisung scrolled through his Facebook timeline as they walked. “Pretty normal for this place though.”

Seungmin had to agree, and he knew Jisung wasn’t just talking about Waegwan High. This small town was extremely unforgiving to those who stood out, and when someone deliberately chose to stand out – with purple hair and piercings, for example – they were sure to be annihilated, not just by the student population but by the town residents as well.

He greeted the familiar faces around him, and tried to steer Jisung towards their lockers, but his hand grasped air. He whipped around just in time to spot Jisung slinking away into the shadows. And for good reason.

“Hey, Kim,” Daehwi strode towards him, an ever-present scowl on his face. “Where were you during the shit storm a few minutes ago? Granted,  _ I’m _ the president,” his lips twisted into a sneer and his tone grew patronizing, “but you  _ can _ help around a little, can’t you?” 

Seungmin pressed his lips into a thin line, exhaling through his nose. He could offer an explanation about how he’d been on the football field trying to get in some extra practice but that would just earn him another snide comment from Daehwi, captain of the football team.

The school president’s eyes were scanning the busy hallway behind Seungmin. “And where’s that friend of yours? Han. Where is he?”

“Uh…” Seungmin deliberately avoided looking at the set of lockers on Daehwi’s right. “No idea. Haven’t seen him yet.” Seungmin was an awful liar, but Daehwi seemed to be a poor judge of character, so he didn’t question the strange grimace on Seungmin’s face. 

“Well, when you do,” Daehwi straightened his striped maroon and gold tie, “tell him that the prom committee’s been looking for him. If he’s still interested in joining, that is.”

“The uh –  _ what _ ?” Seungmin gaped. “He – he wants to join the prom committee?” 

Daehwi shrugged like it was beyond his understanding too. He gave the hallway one last scan, and turned on his heel, probably on his way to preside over someone else.

“The prom committee?” Seungmin raised an eyebrow when Jisung emerged from the shadows. “Really? You’re really going to sit with an annoying bunch of girls planning a dance?”

“Actually,” Jisung grinned, suddenly very smug, “I’m going to sit with a bunch of  _ hot _ girls, planning an important rite of passage.” 

“What happened to…” Seungmin scrunched his nose trying to recall whether that was the name of the last girl Jisung had supposedly been dating, “Junhee? Junhye?”

“Old news,” Jisung clicked his tongue in admonishment. “Keep up, Seungmin.”

“Don’t think I could if I tried,” Seungmin laughed despite himself and followed Jisung into their new homeroom.

“Thank god, Daehwi isn’t in our homeroom,” Jisung snickered, sliding into a seat beside Seungmin. “I swear, if I have more than two classes with him…”

The class began to quiet down when their homeroom teacher, Mr Pyong began handing out their individual class schedules. 

“Got a full load this term, huh?” the old man chuckled, patting Seungmin on the back as he made his way around the class.

Seungmin managed a weak smile as he stared at the classes his parents had made him sign up for through the school’s online registration system. “Shit, how am I gonna manage all this?” he muttered, scanning the list of classes.

Jisung peeked over his shoulder. “Yikes. Do you realize you have  _ zero _ free periods?”

“Yeah,” Seungmin shoved the schedule into his folder. “But at least there’s art, and the newspaper group. They kind of count as free periods, right?”

“Uh,” Jisung laughed, “if that makes you feel better, sure.”

Seungmin huffed out a sigh, sneaking another glance at his schedule while Jisung was pulled into a conversation with their classmates. Seungmin only had to hear the words ‘prom’ and ‘date’ and he managed to deliberately zone out.

He tried to imagine, instead, what the cafeteria would have for their first day lunch. He had high hopes for spaghetti bolognaise. It was about the only thing the cook managed to get right, and chances of food poisoning were low.

When he felt a nudge in his side, he was forced back into the dull classroom, the smell of bolognaise fading from memory. “What?” He raised an eyebrow at Jisung.

Jisung stared straight ahead, a shit-eating grin on his face. Seungmin followed the direction of his stare and gawked. 

Purple hair. Ear-piercings. And a bright smile.

The new kid.

“He’s a senior?” Seungmin asked in a hushed whisper. “Who transfers to a new school in  _ senior _ year?”

The entire class was abuzz with similar questions while Mr Pyong studied the new kid like he was a strange specimen that had suddenly teleported into the classroom. 

Seungmin wondered how the guy was keeping that smile on his face. It was a nice face too, he had to admit. If he wasn’t so  _ out there _ with piercings and stuff, he would have been popular. His face was strong and defined with a sharp jaw, chin and cheekbones. He had dark eyebrows which sloped downward, and his eyes were a deep shade of brown. But below his eyes – and Seungmin found his gaze drawn to this – were little brown flecks. He’d never seen anyone with that many freckles. How fascinating. He was struck with the sudden urge to count them. And oh! His lips! They were a light shade of pink and  _ perfectly _ heart-shaped. 

Seungmin felt that  _ thing _ again. It always began at his very centre. A warm flame trapped within a fragile bubble. And the longer he looked at the purple-haired male, the more that flame expanded, surging, threatening to burst that fragile thing inside him, causing his toes and fingers to tingle and a swarm of butterflies – no, butterflies were gentle, and these were like birds – to take flight in his stomach. And he was becoming really poetic now, and he felt really poetic too, but holy fuck, this guy was… beautiful.

He pressed a hand against his middle, as though he could physically quell that strange sensation, and push it away. The somersaulting and twisting and turning in his stomach was now so strong that it was as if the birds were fighting to get out. 

He hated this feeling. Why did he always have to feel this way when he looked at  _ guys _ ? Why couldn’t he feel this way when he looked at Haena or Suyeon, or Mina or any of the other girls he’d dated?

Deep down, Seungmin knew why it had never worked out with them. But he wasn’t willing to acknowledge that yet, at least not out loud. He couldn’t. Not in this town. But sometimes, when he lay alone at night staring into the darkness, and he was sure that his parents were sound asleep, he’d say it to himself. That he was…  _ That _ .

He took a deep breath, and the sudden rush of air to his brain, snapped him into focus. He’d almost failed to realize that the boy had begun speaking. 

“– Lee Felix, and I moved here from Sacheon,” he was saying. “I’m –”

“Gay!” one of the boys blurted from the back of the class. 

Seungmin felt a sense of dread, for a moment feeling like someone had heard his innermost thoughts and was calling him out. But the snickers from his classmates and their intimidating stares were focused on the new guy – Felix. So Seungmin, along with the rest of the class, held their breath, waiting for a reaction. 

If Seungmin had been in Felix’s position, he would have bolted, or burst into tears.

But no, Felix had no intention of doing either of those things. He stood resolute, and his lips widened into a smile – he actually  _ smiled _ at the insult – and then he said something that left everyone reeling.

“I am. I  _ am _ gay.”

Seungmin’s jaw dropped. He looked around at the other stunned faces, sure that he must have heard wrong. “He didn’t just say that.”

Next to him, Jisung’s eyes were wide and he shook his head slowly, from side to side. “Nope. Definitely not. He couldn’t have.”

Perhaps, because the rest of the class suddenly seemed to be perplexed and experiencing difficulties in hearing, Felix thought it apt to repeat himself. “I’m  _ gay _ . And I hope that won’t be a problem.”

Their homeroom teacher seemed to remember himself, and he cleared his throat, relinquishing his death grip on the class register. “Mr Lee, please find a seat. I’m sure one of your classmates will be kind enough to volunteer to show you to your classes today.” His beady eyes scanned the students who suddenly found their desks very interesting.

Seungmin was still too stunned at Felix’s admission to follow in their lead. Did Felix not realize how he’d just ruined his life, and on his first day at a new school? Why would he tell everyone something like that? Why would he invite trouble for himself?

“How about our Deputy School President? Seungmin?” 

Seungmin blinked at the mention of his name, his brows furrowed. “Sir?” he looked at the teacher in confusion. He hadn’t been paying attention.

Mr Pyong was holding out a sheet of paper. “This is our new student’s class schedule. Make sure he gets to his classes.”

Seungmin gingerly accepted it, forcing a smile onto his face. “Of course, Mr Pyong.” He didn’t dare look at Felix who had settled somewhere behind him.

He glanced at his polished gold wrist watch – it had been his fanciest sixteenth birthday present – and wished that the bell would ring already. He had to find some way to ditch Felix. He couldn’t be seen walking all over the school with him.

The news was probably spreading like wildfire by now, thanks to his classmates’ quick fingers that never left their phones. 

_ Gay _ . 

Just the word sent a shock through Seungmin’s system. Sure, it wasn’t illegal or anything. But people in this town weren’t accepting, or tolerant. A few years ago, a gay middle aged couple had moved into town from one of the big cities. They opened a small convenience store. It didn’t last very long. It started with vandalism, and then the store was torched until only ash remained. 

The scratching noise of a pencil caught his attention and he looked down to see Jisung hunched over Felix’s class schedule. “What are you doing?”

“Saving your ass,” Jisung gave him a self-assured smile and showed him his handiwork. “I drew him a map.”

Seungmin squinted at the drawing. A few squares of varying sizes were spread across the sheet, along with arrows that seemed to crisscross each other. It would take a genius to figure out how this map worked. “I don’t think this is… very helpful.”

Jisung folded his arms. “Do you have a better idea? Do you really wanna associate yourself with someone like  _ him _ ?”

_ Someone like him. Someone like me.  _

Seungmin looked over his shoulder, spotting the purple haired male sitting at the very back. He had his earphones plugged in, his eyes were closed, and his chin propped up on his hand. Again, Seungmin was struck by how good looking he was, but unlike before, Seungmin now felt a rush of embarrassment at this observation. What would people say if they could hear his thoughts? 

And to make matters worse, Felix chose that moment to open his eyes, holding Seungmin’s gaze with his own. Holy fuck. He  _ smiled _ at Seungmin! 

Seungmin immediately turned to face the front, his cheeks warming. He felt like he’d just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. No, he most definitely did not want to associate himself with Lee Felix.

When the bell rang, some students began dashing out, eager to get to their first class, while others hung back, somewhat subdued before the start of the first class of senior year. Although Seungmin was raring to go, he hung back with the latter, absentmindedly playing with the straps of his backpack.

He snuck glances at Felix who hovered at the back, eyes on his phone screen. Was he waiting for Seungmin?

“Just put it on his desk and let’s go,” Jisung frowned, gesturing to the class schedule with the poorly drawn map. Seungmin rose to his feet, clenching his lower lip between his teeth. Jisung patted him on his back, urging him on.

Felix looked up at his approach, and Seungmin hated how his eyes lit up and his smile spread across his face. “Uh, this is –”

“–I’m Felix.”

Seungmin stared fearfully at his outstretched hand, and held out his class schedule instead. “I – my friend – drew you a map so you can figure out where your classes are.”

“Oh.” Felix’s smile faltered but only for a moment. “Thanks.”

“Yeah,” Seungmin averted his gaze and whipped around, grabbing his backpack and shuffling after Jisung. And with every step away from Felix, his guilt began to grow.

Right through algebra, history and economics, Seungmin found it difficult to ignore the war between his wits and his conscience. His conscience maintained that he’d done something profoundly wrong. Hypocritical. But his brain defended him. It was a fight or flight response, his brain said, and flight was the logical option to choose. 

Sure, he could have stuck around and helped Felix. But the other students would have crucified him for it. And there was no sense in fighting a losing battle.

But why did  _ Felix _ choose to fight it? Why would he place himself in the middle of a battlefield? Surely, he didn’t think he could win? Or perhaps, he didn’t yet know the strength of his enemies.

Perhaps Seungmin had been watching too many of those British medieval dramas over the break and needed to stop having internal monologues like he was the Duke of Salisbury whose castle had just been laid siege to. He was glad that he had the newspaper group as a form of distraction. As the editor, he was in charge of putting together the first issue of the year.

“Looks like we have a few spaces to fill,” he said, scanning the list of points he’d jotted down. A few of the members had graduated and needed replacing for the new year.

“We definitely need a few more writers,” Siyeon, a photographer, spoke up. “And I could use some help with photography.”

“I’ll be happy to help with photography,” Seungmin volunteered. He’d purchased a camera on a whim during the break, and discovered that he was a pretty decent photographer. “And I already put up recruitment notices in the hallways.” But he doubted they’d get many volunteers. The school newspaper wasn’t the most popular extracurricular activity. 

The group said their goodbyes and scheduled their next meeting. And in a rush to get to the cafeteria before all the good food ran out, Seungmin walked into a solitary figure standing in the doorway of their makeshift newsroom. “Sor – oh.”

Lee Felix.

Seungmin took a hasty step back, glancing over his shoulder at the others who were still engrossed in a conversation of their own.

“Hi.”

It was a single word, but Seungmin felt himself flush. He hadn’t realized the depth of Felix’s voice before. He’d been too preoccupied with… his other characteristics. But the sound of his voice reverberated through Seungmin’s body, traveling all the way to his toes which began to tingle.

“Can I help you?” he asked, keeping his voice down to a whisper, not wanting to alert the others to Felix’s presence.

Felix raised his brows slightly and Seungmin realized he was probably thinking of the ‘help’ Seungmin had given him with that appallingly drawn map.

“This is Room 52C right?” Felix enquired, his hands shoved in the pockets of his grey school pants. His tie hung loose around his neck and a yellow stain ran down the front of his white shirt, directly over the school logo. Seungmin felt a pang of sympathy, wondering who had thrown what at the boy, but his sympathy soon turned to fear; that could have been him – it could have been Seungmin who people were hurling food at. He shuddered at the thought and clenched the straps of his backpack.

“I saw a notice about a newspaper group.”

“Oh.” Seungmin’s eyes widened. He wanted to join… But that – that wouldn’t be possible, would it? None of the other members would approve. And what if people stopped reading the school newspaper? What if they complained?

“Well, I write so…” Felix’s lips quirked into a nervous smile. A lovely smile. Seungmin liked that smile… a lot. 

And that made this even harder. He hated this. He really did. But he had no choice. Right?

“… just written some poetry and a few short pieces but I’d love to try my hand at newspaper articles and–”

“We just filled the last writing post a few minutes ago.” The lie left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

“Oh.” Felix tilted his head, his eyes fixed on Seungmin’s face as if he could read the lie. Finally, he nodded, looking deflated. “That’s fine,” he cleared his throat. “If something comes up, I’ll be happy to join.”

“Sure,” Seungmin averted his gaze, the guilt weighing heavy on his shoulders.

“It’s good you turned him down,” Siyeon said, appearing at his shoulder after Felix had departed. There were murmurs of agreement from the rest of the group. “We can’t have someone like  _ him _ here.”

“You’re kind of…” Jisung’s fingers paused on his phone screen and he cast Seungmin a curious glance, “ _ weird _ , today.”

Seungmin shook off his daze and sat back in his seat. “It’s just…” Just Lee Felix. But he couldn’t say that. He shook his head, staring at the doorway and hoping their Creative Writing teacher would walk in with a ton of work to distract him.

But instead of his wiry teacher, a shock of purple hair caught his attention in the doorway. 

“Oh fuck,” Seungmin mumbled, earning a snort from Jisung.

“You owe me a caramel donut.”

A week ago they made a bet that the first person to curse on their first day back would buy donuts. 

“Fine.” He kept his eyes trained on his desk, but his skin pricked in awareness of Felix’s approaching presence. He conjured up a mental image of the classroom, making note of where everyone sat. The only free space would be… “Fuck,” he swore again.

Jisung pumped his fist in a celebratory gesture and whooped. “ _ Two _ caramel donuts.”

But Seungmin filtered out his words, all his senses focused on the sneaker clad feet walking down the aisle. He wondered whether Felix was aware that sneakers weren’t part of the school dress code, or maybe he just didn’t care. Seungmin wondered what it was like to not care. 

He pretended to read the cover of the textbook on his desk, but cringed when he heard the chair behind him scrape against the tiles. When Mrs Yoo arrived, Seungmin was grateful for the distraction, and as he jotted down important submission dates, his hyperawareness of Felix’s presence began to decrease. By the time he received his term assignment, Felix-related thoughts had evaporated from his mind. He sucked at Creative Writing, but he needed the credits for this class. 

“This term is going to be a fucking nightmare,” Seungmin scowled, standing up and shoving his books back into his bag. He ignored the smug, “three donuts” that Jisung gloated about.

“Hey, Seungmin!” A tall girl with pigtails approached his desk.

“Hey, Jiu,” he offered a tense smile, still feeling bogged down by the assignment.

“Is the newspaper group really recruiting?” She was well-known for speaking at a rate of one million words a minute and using the word ‘great’ far too much. “You haven’t done that in ages. I think it’s great, and of course, I totally want to join. Wouldn’t it be great if I did? I mean I’ve always wanted to and it sounds like such great fun. I mean, writing is great too so it will really be a pleasure.”

“Sure, we could do with a few writers,” Seungmin admitted, although the thought of working around this chatty, over-bubbly personality alarmed him. Dating her had been bad enough; he dreaded seeing her for a few extra hours every day for the newspaper group. Beside him, Jisung was trying to hold back his laughter, his face growing increasingly red.

“That’s great! I mean, _isn’t it just_ _great_?”

“Really great,” Seungmin forced a smile and held up two thumbs, feeling a flood of relief when the girl’s friend ushered her away.

“Isn’t it just  _ great _ ?” Jisung teased, erupting into loud guffaws. 

Seungmin gave him a wry smile and shoved his shoulder. “Really great. Let’s go.”

“Don’t forget your blazer.”

“Thanks,” Seungmin murmured, before realizing where those words had come from.

Felix.

Felix, who had wanted to join the newspaper group.

Felix, who Seungmin had blatantly lied to.

Felix, who had most definitely heard him telling Jiu that there were vacancies for writers.

Felix, who probably hated Seungmin’s guts now. 

And that really shouldn’t have bothered Seungmin. But it did. 


	3. Past

Seungmin panted, bending over with his hands on his knees. His t-shirt was drenched with sweat and his shorts were brown with dirt yet it hadn’t even been the full hour. Coach Park blew the whistle and Seungmin straightened, striding over to the tall, burly man. His teammates were already forming a semi-circle.

Seungmin glanced up at the sky. The sun had disappeared after lunch and dark clouds threatened rain at any minute. Why would he be walking home today of all days?

“You look out of shape, Kim,” Daehwi snickered, taking the spot beside Seungmin. “I’ve been training for the entire break. What’ve  _ you _ been doing?” he scoffed, clearly not expecting an answer.

What had Seungmin been doing? Taking long walks, eating, photographing random stuff, eating, playing videogames with Jisung, eating… Football had been the furthest thing from his mind. He’d forgotten how competitive school sport could be. But at least he got in some practice that morning.

Not that the practice had helped much. Daehwi had managed to steal the ball from him at least ten times. Seungmin had even ended up flat on the ground on more than one occasion. Daehwi was a pain in the ass (literally) but he was good, Seungmin had to admit that much.

Coach Park spent some time going over what they could expecting for this term, and reminding them – as if they needed to be reminded – that they were seniors and colleges were expecting them to excel at whatever they did, whether it was sport or academics or both.

The only reason Seungmin had joined the team was so it would look good on college applications, but it wasn’t as if he was expecting a football scholarship. He knew several of the others were, Daehwi included.

When Coach Park dismissed them, Seungmin hung back with a few others, roped into a conversation about Mr Pyong’s new truck. Somehow, and inevitably, the conversation turned to the new kid, the gay kid. There were howls of laughter as they discussed Felix and Seungmin found himself drifting further and further away from the conversation. 

He was glad when a rumble of thunder alerted them all to the incoming storm. Daehwi was the first to suggest they all disperse. “I have my shift at the bakery anyway,” the school president sighed. For Seungmin, it was a struggle just juggling school assignments, studying and extracurriculars with his favorite TV shows, and videogame nights with Jisung; he shuddered to think what it’d be like adding a part-time job to the mix.

They said their goodbyes and Seungmin set off on a brisk walk, hoping to reach home before the downpour. And to think, the sun had been blazing that morning.

He’d only just passed the school gate when the rain began to beat down in torrents. For the first five seconds it was refreshing, and then he began to shiver. He slipped off his glasses, useless now, shoving them into his pocket, and he began to jog past the convenience store, past the mechanic’s garage, past the bakery, past the – oh.

The purple hair brought him to a halt. 

He had to blink several times and decided to slip his glasses back on. The little field the residents used as a dog park should have been deserted but there he was – Felix – sitting in the middle of the field in the midst of a downpour. He sat with his knees pulled up to his chest, his hair plastered to his face. 

What the fuck?

Seungmin found himself plodding across the soaking field, trying not to slip and fall flat on his face for the millionth time that day. “Are you okay?” He stopped in front of Felix, looking down at him in concern.

Felix tilted his face up to Seungmin’s, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Seungmin, what are you doing here?”

“Me?” Seungmin spluttered, wrapping his arms around his shivering body. “I – what the fu –” he caught himself, “What are  _ you _ doing here?” This was crazy. They were both crazy to be out there in this kind of weather.

Felix shrugged his shoulders, seemingly unbothered by the rain. “Sitting, thinking. I guess have a lot to think about.” As an afterthought he added, “You can say fuck if you want.”

Seungmin felt a flush creep into his cheeks and he gaped. “Do you have to sit in the rain? You  _ do _ know it’s raining, right?” Fine, it wasn’t that heavy, but still… Pneumonia was a thing!

“What’s wrong with sitting in the rain?” Felix didn’t sound defensive or annoyed. He sounded genuinely curious, cocking his head to the side, his eyes wide as he waited for an answer.

But Seungmin was at a loss for words. He shook his head “I just... You’ll get sick, won’t you?”

Felix shrugged again, swaying slightly from side to side like he was enjoying himself. Seungmin wondered if he was drunk or high or both. But he seemed fine. “Maybe. You can sit down if you want. It’s beautiful.”

Beautiful. That got Seungmin thinking again. Even in the downpour Felix looked beautiful, like a movie poster for a gut-wrenching romance movie. The  _ Titanic _ kind. The one that left you with an iceberg sized hole in your heart after one hundred and ninety five minutes.

Seungmin shook himself out of his daze and raised an eyebrow. “What’s beautiful? Catching a cold? Pneumonia maybe?”

And Felix laughed. “You’re funny, Seungmin.”

“Are you on something?” Seungmin had to ask.

Felix sighed, like Seungmin was the one being ridiculous. “Look.” He pointed over Seungmin’s shoulder.

For a second, Seungmin hesitated but then turned around, and gasped. It  _ was _ beautiful! There was enough open space ahead to see the arching rainbow spreading across the sky. “Whoa… I didn’t even see this on my way here.” If he’d just looked up…

“You won’t see the rainbow if you’re too afraid to look up in the rain.”

Seungmin looked at Felix in surprise. He had an inkling that he was talking about something entirely different from rainbows and rain, but Seungmin couldn’t dive into all that right then. He pressed his lips into a thin line and gave the boy a curt nod. “I should be getting back.”

“Cool.” 

Felix wasn’t even looking at him and it made him feel a little unwanted. Not that he wanted to be wanted by Felix. Although, that wouldn’t be so bad… No, it would be plenty bad. What was he thinking?

“Did you hear?” his mother greeted him from the couch. “Did you hear about the Lees? They just moved into town.” She continued setting silver trays of pastries and cakes on the coffee table, preparing for her book club meeting.

Seungmin made a small noise of acknowledgment and trudged upstairs before she could ask for any details. 

He closed his room door behind him and let out a startled yelp when he spotted the boy sprawled on his bed. “Fuck, Jisung,” he groaned. “Did mom let you in or did you –”

“Used the window,” Jisung grinned. He’d kicked his shoes off and his hoodie, a wet, black bundle was at the foot of the bed. 

His choice of entrance shouldn’t have surprised Seungmin. The tall lemon tree in the garden extended a branch to Seungmin’s window. Jisung had been using it as a means of entry since they were kids.

“You know, that’s seven donuts already. You may as well buy the ten-in-a-box special.” 

Seungmin glowered at him. “I need a shower. I’m sweaty and tired and why are you here? I’ve seen enough of your face today.”

Jisung rolled his eyes. “I didn’t come because of my undying love for you. I came because…” his expression turned grave, “I heard what you did.” 

Seungmin’s gut tightened in panic. He could feel his heart beating rapidly against his chest. Someone saw. Someone saw him and Felix. And they’d put two and two together and now they figured out that Seungmin was –

“You let Lee Daehwi trip you onto your ass,” Jisung narrowed his eyes. Seungmin relaxed his shoulders, panic fading. “How could you?”

“He’s good,” Seungmin said in explanation, turning around to mask his relief, and grabbing a set of clothes from his dresser. “I’m mediocre.”

Jisung opened his mouth to argue but Seungmin pointed to the window. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

Jisung left after a fist bump and Seungmin shook his head, reliving the moment of panic he’d had. When did he start feeling so paranoid? He looked at the rain battering the window and wondered whether Felix was still sitting out there. Crazy kid.

_ You won’t see the rainbow if you’re too afraid to look up in the rain. _

Seungmin shook his head and headed for the shower. Two hours later, when the rain had lightened into a drizzle, he set off on a jog. It had nothing to do Felix, he told himself. He was just keeping fit. 

But that didn’t explain why he’d slowed to a stop outside the bakery. It also didn’t explain why his eyes searched the field, or the relief he felt when he saw that neither the rainbow nor Felix was still there.

Feeling as though he’d run far enough, he turned back. And he froze. He hadn’t realized… The bakery. 

He looked through the glass, his breath hitching at the sight of Lee Daehwi behind the counter. Perhaps feeling Seungmin’s gaze, Daehwi looked directly at him. The expression on his face was unreadable. 

Seungmin glanced over his shoulder and then back at Daehwi. From where Daehwi stood, he would have a clear view of the field. Had he seen Seungmin out there talking to Felix?

But they’d just been two people talking, Seungmin reassured himself. Because that’s all it was. Nothing to panic about. Nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing. It was nothing.

Felix was nothing.


	4. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy 💕💕💕

Seungmin promised himself that he wouldn’t ever go back to his three-step routine. And he hadn’t – for six whole months. This particular routine involved: 1) Trying to find Felix on every social networking site in existence (never any luck there), 2) Pining over the only photo he had of Felix (he kept it stored by its lonesome self in a shoebox with ‘Don’t fucking open this, Seungmin’ scrawled on the lid) and 3) Eating an entire tub of double choc chip ice cream (an optional step that depended on his supply and the fit of his jeans).

And oh, here he was now, scrolling through Facebook looking up every Lee Felix he could find. It was no surprise that there were still just two, neither of them  _ his _ Felix. He’d already checked Twitter and Instagram.

He retrieved the box from where it was buried beneath a pile of winter coats on the floor of his closet. Seungmin remembered the day he’d taken this photograph of Felix. The boy had protested and fought against it, but Seungmin had looked at him with puppy-dog eyes and of course he’d fallen for it, A blush colored Felix’s cheeks as he’d tilted his head up to meet the camera’s lens. His brown eyes flared wide. The sun streamed in through the canopy of orange leaves, making his hair glow like a flaming purple halo. 

Seungmin wished there was a way to zoom in, that he’d taken just one more – a close up photo so he’d be able to see his freckles. He gulped, a wave of emotion washing over him once more. Quickly, he threw the photo back into the shoebox; he knew it was stupid having an entire shoebox for  _ one _ photo, but it was dangerous cargo. 

He fell back onto his pillows. This was stupid. He was being stupid. He shouldn’t have done that. Especially when he’d been doing so well. He’d even been thinking of asking Hyunjin to see that Marvel movie that was releasing soon. Usually, Hyunjin was the one who asked, but this time Seungmin felt that he should show some interest in the guy. Because he was interested. It was just… Felix. Always Felix. 

A knock sounded on his door and he schooled his features into a less distressed expression. He hadn’t thought that either of his friends was still awake. They’d gone on chatting and bickering until 2am.

“Come in.”

The door opened a sliver and Jisung poked his head around, a small smile on his face. “I saw the light from your phone. You weren’t watching porn, were you? I can always leave –”

“Jisung,” Seungmin chuckled, turning the bedside lamp on. “Come in.”

The blonde grinned, perching at the edge of Seungmin’s bed, his eyes sweeping the room. “Like what you’ve done with the place. It’s very… you. Minimalist.”

Seungmin hummed in agreement. The walls were bare save for a photo of the sunrise that Seungmin had taken when he first moved into the city. It wasn’t that he’d been too lazy to decorate; he just hadn’t wanted anything to take away from the view when he looked through his floor-length window. 

“I like Hyunjin.”

Seungmin choked on air and snorted out a laugh. “You  _ hate _ him! You argue with him at every opportunity,” he reminded Jisung. “I was actually beginning to think having you guys here at the same time was a bad idea.”

Jisung rolled his eyes, kicking off his shoes and shifting up to rest against the headboard. “Think of it as a test.”

“A test,” Seungmin looked at him incredulously. “And  _ why _ are you testing him?”

Jisung yawned, stretching his arms out and pulling the blanket over them. “Because I need to test his level of coolness before you start dating him.”

Seungmin sighed. “Jisung –”

“When’s the last time you dated anyone, Seungmin?”

Seungmin pursed his lips together. “I go on dates.”

Jisung laughed sardonically. “Going on a date every six or seven months isn’t the same as dating. You know that.”

Seungmin turned onto his side, facing away from Jisung. “Dating isn’t something necessary. People don’t need relationships to be happy.”

“Yeah, I guess I agree with that,” Jisung sounded annoyed now. Seungmin could guess that he had his nose scrunched up the way he always did when something upset him. “You know, there’s a difference between not needing a relationship, and wanting a relationship but being too caught up in the past to actually start dating.”

“I’m not caught up in the past.” But he was. Like a fish caught in a net, he could squirm and twist and move around but at the end of the day, he was trapped.

“I was thinking…”

_ Uh-oh _ . Seungmin inwardly sighed. He knew that whatever followed those three words would be some wild idea.

_ I was thinking, we should swap my Mom’s sugar and salt jar so that she serves everyone salty tea.  _

_ I was thinking, we should open a dog-grooming service for the summer break. _

_ I was thinking, we should cycle to the beach (so what if it’s an hour and a half away?) _

“… would it help you if you could talk to him again? You know, if you could get closure?”

Seungmin rolled onto his back, staring up at the dark ceiling. “Do you really think that hasn’t crossed my mind before?”

Jisung propped himself up on an elbow, looking down at Seungmin with an expression of slight disdain. “So why haven’t you?”

“Because – because…” Seungmin spluttered. “How am I supposed to find him, Sung? It’s not like anyone knows where he is.”

“But did you try?”

The question ignited an angry spark in Seungmin’s chest. His jaw tightened and his brows snapped together. “Of course I fucking tried!” He narrowed his eyes at his best friend. “How can you even ask me that?” Because asking  _ if _ he tried implied that he  _ hadn’t _ tried. And why would Seungmin not try to find Felix? 

Jisung was unaffected by Seungmin’s outburst. “Chill, dude. I just figured that if I was in your position, I would be… You know, kind of scared to confront him. I mean, having my heart stomped on would’ve wrecked my self-esteem. Not sure having the heart-stomper list out all the reasons they stomped on my heart would help the situation any.”

“I’m not – I –” Seungmin pressed his lips into a hard line. “We should sleep. It’s late.”

Jisung didn’t press him. He slipped out of Seungmin’s bed. “Goodnight, Min.”

Seungmin waited for the door to shut before he curled up into a foetal position, the blanket wrapped snugly around him. Was he scared? Had he really not tried hard enough because he was too afraid to face Felix? 

He felt the sunlight on his eyelids before he could open his eyes. He remained in bed for a few more minutes, forcing his eyes to stay shut so he could procrastinate facing Jisung and the barrage of questions he knew awaited him. 

He could hear the low buzz of an ongoing conversation as he walked down the hallway. And when he entered the kitchen, the conversation came to an abrupt halt. Lovely. They were talking about him.

“Good morning,” Hyunjin chirped, too cheerily, a slight blush creeping along his neck and coloring his cheeks pink.

Jisung just raised his mug in greeting, pushing a pan of scrambled eggs across the counter. Seungmin took a seat on the barstool, looking from Jisung to Hyunjin, neither of whom would meet his eyes.

“What’s up?”

Jisung leaned over the counter, making a steeple with his fingers. “Have you given any thought to what we spoke about last –”

“Sung, I just woke up,” Seungmin snapped, tipping some scrambled eggs onto a plate and accepting the mug of coffee Hyunjin sent his way. “Can we not discuss this right now?” He gestured with a subtle nod of his head to where Hyunjin sat.

“I told Hyunjin about Felix.”

Seungmin coughed and choked when a mouthful of coffee went down the wrong way. Hyunjin slapped him on the back until his cough subsided, leaving him with teary eyes and a slight burn in his throat. “The fuck is wrong with you?” Seungmin squared his shoulders, eyes flashing angrily at his best friend.

Jisung met his stare calmly with a half shrug. “You won’t listen to me, so I figured…”

“It’s okay,” Hyunjin gave Seungmin a nervous smile, fingers tracing the rim of his mug. “Everyone has a past.”

Seungmin covered his face with his hands, embarrassed that Hyunjin knew the humiliating details of his past. From across the counter, Jisung cleared his throat, and Seungmin slowly lowered his hands. “What?” He was pissed at Jisung and wouldn’t be letting him off any time soon.

“So I was thinking –”

“No,” Seungmin shook his head from side to side. “Whatever it is – no.”

“Just hear me out,” Jisung pleaded, his eyes wide. “Hear  _ us _ out. This was Hyunjin’s idea too.”

Seungmin quirked a brow in Hyunjin’s direction but the man wouldn’t meet his gaze. He took a second to admire how incredibly gorgeous the blonde looked. His mop of golden hair was messy, sticking up this way and that. His plaid blue pajama pants hung low over his hips and the sleeveless grey t-shirt he wore exposed his muscular arms. Somehow, he exuded style even at nine in the morning while nursing a hangover. 

But there was more to Hyunjin than his incredibly good looks. When he and Seungmin first started hanging out a few months ago, Seungmin had been new to the city and lived in his college dorm. Born and bred in Seoul, Hyunjin lived at home with his parents and older sister. When Seungmin confessed that he survived mostly on greasy takeaways and cheap corner café coffee, Hyunjin invited him home for dinner.

For the first time in a long time, Seungmin enjoyed a meal around a dinner table with a close-knit family. And even though it wasn’t  _ his _ family, Seungmin felt at home. He laughed at their jokes and listened to childhood stories; he stayed until late watching old DVDs and had Hyunjin’s mom’s special to-die-for hot chocolate when the winter chill crept in. And when Seungmin told Hyunjin what an amazing time he’d had, it became a regular occurrence with him joining Hyunjin’s family at least once a week.

“Fine,” he relented. “I’m just  _ hearing _ you out. I’m not agreeing to anything.”

“So the dude’s not on social media, right?” 

Seungmin bristled at this. He obviously wasn’t the only one searching for Felix on social media. “Yeah.”

“But we know the last place he went to. So that’s where we should start,” Jisung snapped his fingers, like searching an entire town would be that easy.

“It’s not that simple,” Seungmin huffed. “We have the name of the town. Neither of us has ever been there and that was years ago so he probably won’t even be there!” Suddenly, he felt claustrophobic. He slid off the stool and headed for the balcony.

The sky was hazy today, grey smog permeating the blue of the sky. Several buildings rose in the distance, and the distant honking of cars could be heard as people hurried off to wherever they went on Saturday mornings. Off to breakfast with their families, maybe? Or doing some early morning shopping? Then there might be those who had to work on weekends too. How awful.

He didn’t flinch when Hyunjin appeared beside him, arms propped on the balustrade. “Hi.”

Seungmin managed a chuckle. “Hi.”

“Everyone has a past,” Hyunjin repeated his words from earlier, shifting closer so that their shoulders were touching. Seungmin began to blush at their proximity, the way he usually did when Hyunjin touched his shoulder or pulled him in for a hug, or ruffled his hair or did anything, really. “And it’s okay to have a past,” Hyunjin continued. “But when it affects your present negatively, it’s a problem.”

Seungmin contemplated his words. Part of him felt angry that his friends were probing into matters that didn’t concern them. But another part felt relieved that he was finally being forced to confront something that he’d been avoiding for so long. Of course, they had no business prying and talking behind his back. But they were trying to help, and besides, they weren’t wrong.

“I don’t know what to do,” Seungmin admitted. “What if I can’t find him? I mean, where would we even begin?”

“Sacheon,” Hyunjin said matter-of-factly, and Seungmin was hyperaware of his fingers inching towards his on the balustrade. “Had he ever mentioned Sacheon before? Anything other than that he’d moved from there?”

“I dunno,” Seungmin hummed, trying to recall everything Felix had told him about the town. Not much. “His family used to live there. I know he missed it.” It felt strange talking about Felix. Usually, Felix-related thoughts were tucked away in his mind. “We never spoke much about his past.”

Hyunjin’s fingers were now a centimetre away, and Seungmin made the split-second, cowardly decision to withdraw his hands from the railing, wrapping them around his body instead.

Hyunjin’s sigh was soft, but it sent a strong spasm of guilt through Seungmin’s chest. Hyunjin was amazing and even though he’d never said it, Seungmin knew how he felt. And a part – a supressed part – of Seungmin felt the same. He was just too much of a coward to act on it. Felix was still out there…

“So this… This Felix…” 

Seungmin could tell that Hyunjin was doing his best to keep the animosity out of his voice and silently commended him for it. Felix was like an invisible barrier between him and Hyunjin. He wouldn’t blame Hyunjin if he wanted to knock that barrier down.

“What was he like? And why does he have such a hold on you, Minnie?”

Seungmin’s cheeks were aflame. “So Jisung didn’t tell you everything?”

“He told me some things,” Hyunjin admitted, drumming his fingers on the railing. “Not everything.”

Seungmin felt conflicted. He’d never spoken about Felix to anyone other than Jisung, and if Jisung hadn’t been there to witness the whole disaster and if he himself hadn’t known Felix, Seungmin would have never discussed it with him either.

But Seungmin knew that he owed Hyunjin an explanation for the wall between them. “We were in love once.” And Hyunjin shifted closer so that their shoulders would touch. A small comfort. “In hindsight, I never should’ve expected so much from my relationship with Felix,” he admitted. “And not just because we were both so young and inexperienced, but because it all just seemed doomed from the start. My intuition told me it would end badly. I just ignored the warning bells.”

Hyunjin grimaced. “Was he that bad?”

“Him?” Seungmin laughed humourlessly. “Oh no, no. I was the asshole, the idiot, the jerk…” He understood why Hyunjin looked so baffled at that. “Even I thought that with all my idiocy  _ I _ would be the one who ended up breaking  _ his _ heart. And then he broke mine.”


	5. Past

The town was abuzz with speculation and gossip about the new family that had moved in. Seungmin thought that the talk would die down after a few weeks but they persisted. And even though he tried to turn deaf whenever the Lee family was mentioned, he couldn’t avoid hearing the rumors, especially when they were discussed around the dinner table.

He glowered at his chicken teriyaki, his chopsticks poised to pick up a piece of chicken, but frozen mid-motion when his mother went off on a tangent about Felix’s mother. “And she thought she could just join our book club!” his mother laughed in disbelief. “The audacity! As if we’d ever let someone like  _ her _ into our club.”

You would think being divorced was against the law. People spoke about Felix’s mother as if she was an ex-convict. It was ridiculous. Seungmin chewed slowly, simmering with anger when his father joined in.

“And who knows where the boy’s father is?” he grunted. “Could be some good for nothing criminal or worse.”

_ So what if he was? _ Seungmin wondered. That didn’t make Felix and his mother bad people.

“Really,” Seungmin’s mother huffed in indignation, “we don’t want to associate ourselves with  _ that _ family. Especially that boy with his… condition.”

_ Condition _ . Seungmin’s eyes began to prickle with angry tears as he stared down at his plate. Is that what they would think of him? That he was suffering from some kind of condition? An illness? 

“Excuse me,” he managed. The sound of his chair scraping against the tiles cut through the conversation.

“Seungmin,” his mother dramatically clutched a hand to her chest, eyeing his untouched plate. “Sweetheart, you haven’t eaten anything! Where do you think you’re going?”

He turned away, hiding his teary eyes. “Out.”

“Seungmin.” His father rose to his feet, his chair scraping against the tiles. “Don’t you dare –”

But Seungmin had already stepped outside.

The cold bite of the wind took him by surprise, and even though he was dressed in slacks and a thin t-shirt, there was no way he was going back in there just to change into something warmer. He set off on a brisk walk with no destination in mind.

A walk turned into a jog just as he entered the town centre. Waegwan turned into a ghost town after seven in the evening, so not a soul was in sight. He passed the hair salon, the little pizzeria and ice-cream parlour, the stationery supply store, the movie rental place… There wasn’t much in this town. A few stores. A few people.

People with narrow minds.

And because they were narrow minded, Seungmin had to be too. He had to make their prejudices his own, he had to make their habits his own, he had to conform, to be what everyone expected him to be instead of who he wanted to be. When they laughed at someone, he had to join in the chorus of laughter or he became the one being laughed at. When they pointed a finger at someone, he had to raise his too, or the fingers would all point at him. When they turned their backs on someone, he had to turn his back too, or he’d find that they’d all turn their backs on him. He’d never thought of self-preservation as cowardly, until today.

His jog turned into a sprint now. His muscles loosened as his body worked to keep up with the pace that he was running. He balled his hands into angry fists, propelling himself forward, faster, farther.

When his chest tightened and his legs begged for reprieve, he slowed to a stop. He blinked so that his contacts moved into place once more and the cloudiness over his eyes subsided, allowing him to take in his surroundings. 

He hadn’t meant to come this far. He’d ended up running along one of the hiking trails. Strategically placed garden lights lit up the trees and shrubbery, illuminating where the terrain turned rough with tree roots and rocks. He brushed back his hair and stood with his hands on his hips, panting heavily as he looked up at the starless sky. For a few moments all he could hear were his heavy breaths, the distant hoot of an owl, and the soft buzz of cicadas disturbed by the intruder in their home. Then he heard something else. 

It was a quiet murmuring, a whisper really. He couldn’t make out the words but they felt strangely comforting, like someone was singing a lullaby. Alright, maybe it was starting to creep him out too.

And then there were rustling footsteps.

His eyes widened and he fearfully backtracked a few steps. Ahead, the trail stretched on, winding past a thicket of trees. Seungmin strained his neck trying to see around the corner, and nearly lost his footing in the process. 

The footsteps grew louder, closer. Seungmin tensed, making the quick decision to turn around and pretend that he’d been on his way home.

“Seungmin? Is that you?”

Seungmin froze. That voice. There was no other like it.

He’d been going to great lengths to avoid Felix. He never stayed too long in the school hallways, he always waited until Felix was in class to choose the seat furthest away from him, and he never –  _ never _ – made eye contact with him. Instead, he observed Felix covertly – the way he stopped to read every notice and poster in the hallways, the way his head bobbed along to whatever music he had playing through his earphones, the way he doodled in the margins of his books whenever a class got boring, and his smile – his ever-present smile. 

Seungmin slowly turned on his heel, briefly taken aback by how Felix just seemed to fit into the aesthetic of this backdrop. The beautiful boy blended in effortlessly with the flowers, ferns, shrubs and spindly far-reaching tree branches, even with his purple hair and ripped jeans. 

He zeroed in on the denim jacket cradled in Felix’s arms, and the little bird that lay on it, one of its brown wings twitching. “Is that… What happened to it?” He took a few trepid steps closer, afraid that he might frighten the injured bird, or perhaps he was more afraid of getting too close to Felix – not for the same reason everyone else in town was afraid, but because he knew he probably smelled like stale sweat.

Felix’s warm gaze brushed over the creature. And Seungmin foolishly felt a longing for the boy to look at him that way. “I found it like this,” Felix explained, bringing his eyes up to study Seungmin’s face. “Are  _ you _ alright? It’s pretty late. I mean, I come here often but I’ve never seen you up here.”

Seungmin cleared his throat. “Just…” he carelessly flung out a hand, “Just wanted to get out for a bit.” 

“Oh,” Felix began shuffling down the trail. “Well then,” he offered a small smile, “I better get going. See you at school.”

Seungmin nodded, a part of him wanting to prolong this moment, wanting to exchange a few more words with Felix, but the words got caught in his throat. He stepped aside, letting Felix pass. His lips parted, and he willed the words to form.

“Felix, wait.” His breath hitched when the words left his mouth. He shouldn’t be doing this. 

Felix turned to look at him, his forehead creasing as his brows drew together. “Yeah?”

“What will you do with the bird? I mean, can you help it?”

Felix’s lips curved into a bright smile. “Of course. Would you like to see?”

Seungmin should not be doing this. There were a million other things he could be doing on a Thursday night – working on an article for the school newspaper, working on one of his six million assignments, playing videogames with Jisung… But he most definitely should not be walking down the street with Lee Felix, heading over to the Lees’ house.

He learned that Felix talked a lot. He found delight in the little things – the font used on the signboards, the pattern of the cobblestone, and the stray cats that bolted whenever they rounded a corner, and when something made him excited, like a movie poster for an upcoming movie, his voice grew high pitched. But what really warmed Seungmin’s heart, sending those birds that occupied his stomach into a flight of frenzy once more, was that between every sentence, he looked down at the bird nestled in his jacket, cooing at it and reassuring it in a squeaky voice, “We’ll be there soon, birdie.”

Seungmin had a smile on his face the entire time, and it wasn’t forced.

The Lee household was like any household in the evening. The smell of tteokbokki and coffee enveloped them as soon as they walked through the door. Running commentary from a tennis game could be heard from one place and the clutter of pots and pans from another.

“Mom!” Felix bellowed, leading Seungmin down the hallway. “Mom, I need your help!” He looked at Seungmin over his shoulder. “Mom used to be a veterinary assistant. She’s been trying to find similar work here but… I guess the town is too small.”

Too small minded was more like it. Seungmin could guess the real reason Miss Lee found it difficult to find a job.

Miss Lee peered around a doorway. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and stray strands framed her face, more in a to-hell-with-my-hair kind of way, than a flattering kind of way, and that made it all the more endearing. Her smile was as wide as Felix’s and Seungmin immediately warmed to her. However, when the woman spotted Seungmin, she gasped, her eyes growing comically wide. She stepped out into the hallway, straightening her sweater. “Felix, sweetie, you have a… guest? A… friend?” The last word sounded hopeful and guilt began to bloom in Seungmin’s chest. He knew that Felix didn’t have one friend in this town. Bringing home company must be rare.

“Mom,” Felix huffed, his cheeks reddening as he studied his feet. “Bird. Hurt.”

“Oh,” his mother hurriedly retrieved the bundle from his arms and the boys followed her into the kitchen. She set the jacket down onto the wooden table. “Looks like this baby took a fall. It happens from time to time,” she grimaced. “Babies trying to flee the nest far too soon,” she shot Felix a worried glance as she said this, but the boy didn’t seem to catch it.

“But you can help it?” Seungmin asked, hopefully. He didn’t have any pets of his own but he always had a soft spot for animals. 

“It just needs some rest,” Miss Lee reassured the boys. “Some food, rest and a warm place to sleep. The injury will sort itself out. Felix, get me an old shoebox, will you?”

Felix darted away at high speed, leaving Seungmin standing awkwardly beside Miss Lee. He was all too aware that he probably smelled terrible. 

“My son is terrible at introducing friends,” the woman laughed lightly, peering into a cabinet.

Seungmin took the hint, mentally berating himself for not introducing himself earlier. “I’m Kim Seungmin,” he stood with his hands clasped behind his back, hoping that despite the odour, he’d give a decent impression. “I go to school with Felix. I ran into him on the trail tonight and… yeah.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Seungmin,” Miss Lee smiled, setting a jar of sunflower seeds down on the table and switching the electric kettle on. “We haven’t had guests since we moved in so we’re a bit rusty, but –”

“You’re doing great,” he gave her a sheepish grin, scratching the back of his head. “I mean, I wasn’t exactly invited so…”

“Nonsense,” she waved a hand dismissively, “you’re always welcome here. It’s been difficult for Felix since his father…” she shook her head and sighed. “Just know you’re always welcome.” 

“Thank you,” Seungmin smiled. He watched as she proceeded to pour a handful of sunflower seeds into a little bowl, soaking it in hot water. “Felix said that you used to work as a veterinary assistant.”

“I did,” she sighed, a fond smile on her face at the mention of the job. “But I actually learned more about birds from my mother. She owns a bird sanctuary in Sacheon.” She drained out the water. “That should soften the seeds,” she murmured. “I miss the job. It’s kind of weird working at a convenience store now but it’s something, at least.”

“Will this do?” Felix returned with a shoebox lined with a towel.

“Mm-hm,” she smiled. “Perfect.” She carefully scooped the little bird into her palms placing it into the box along with a tiny bowl of water and the softened seeds. “Now,” she looked at the two boys. “How about ice cream?”

Seungmin was out well past his curfew, but how could he refuse ice cream and a chance to spend more time with Felix?

Armed with chocolate ice cream, Seungmin was surprised when Felix led him upstairs instead of into the living room. His heart skipped a beat as he crossed the threshold into Felix’s bedroom. The bedroom wasn’t untidy, but it was busy. The wallpaper was black, with hundreds of colorful stars painted on, making Seungmin feel like he’d stepped into another world.

“Did you do this yourself?” Seungmin asked, looking around in awe. All kinds of weird and unexpected objects occupied the space – a large vintage mirror, a baseball bat, a painted egg shell, a mouthorgan, diamond-shaped fairy lights, a lava lamp and a few other trinkets that Seungmin couldn’t identify. 

“The wallpaper?” Felix flopped down onto a battered green couch in the corner of the room. “Mom helped.”

“Wow,” Seungmin murmured, amazed. “My room is pretty ordinary.” He felt envious that Felix’s mom helped him out with this kind of thing, let alone actually approved of it.

“Nothing wrong with ordinary.”

Seungmin smiled, his gaze landing on Felix. “Nothing wrong with different either.”

“Yeah?” Felix raised his eyebrows, patting the space next to him. 

Seungmin sat down, noting the barely-an-inch gap between them. “I’ve been an asshole,” he admitted.

“You have.”

He gave Felix an apologetic smile, shifting so that they were facing each other. But maybe this was a bad idea because Felix’s gaze burned into him. The birds weren’t just flapping about – they were raging to be set free. “I’m sorry, Felix,” he managed, suddenly finding it difficult to talk. “Really sorry. About the newspaper. About everything. It’s just that this town…”

“I get it.” Felix shifted closer now, their knees touching, Seungmin should move away. But he couldn’t. Didn’t want to. “It’s never nice being outnumbered. I don’t blame you.”

“I’m still an asshole,” Seungmin insisted.

“You are,” Felix agreed, snorting out a laugh. “But it’s okay.” He placed a hand on Seungmin’s knee, giving it a gentle squeeze.

He shouldn’t have done that. Seungmin’s entire world was spinning. The ground was shaking beneath his feet. He could feel himself slipping, falling. He stared straight ahead but everything was a blur. He could hear sirens go off in head.  _ Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo! _

And then Felix’s trembling fingers were on his jaw, thumb tracing the slight curve of his cheek. “Seungmin.”

His breath hitched, and he clenched his fingers into fists. He shouldn’t be here. This shouldn’t be happening.  _ WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO!  _ The sirens were drowning out everything now. No. Not everything.

“Seungmin, can you look at me?”

So Seungmin looked at him, and the sound of the sirens faded away. Everything stopped spinning. The ground stopped shaking. He found his footing. He wasn’t falling anymore. All he could see were the beautiful depths of those dark eyes, and they steadied him, grounded him, showed him clarity, made him feel at peace.

And when Seungmin leaned in, a breath separating their lips, he paused long enough for Felix to nod before closing the distance. It wasn’t just a kiss. Felix’s lips against his own was a feather light brush of plush velvet, delicate, soft, a hint of chocolate. Seungmin’s fingers had unclenched, finding themselves wrapped around the other boy’s dainty waist. And when he pressed his lips back onto Felix’s, it ignited something in them both, a mutual flame springing to life in their chests, enveloping them in a bubble of warmth and comfort and safety. 

And when they pulled back from each other – because breathing was a necessity, after all – Seungmin began to feel at peace with himself. Until he saw the pained expression on Felix’s face. “Felix,” his eyes widened, “is something wrong? Did I… Did you not want –”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Felix interrupted. But he’d pulled away, and obviously  _ something _ had gone wrong because he said, “I think you should leave now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all like this so far 💕 let me know your thoughts! And again, thank you for all comments and kudos 💞💞💞
> 
> IG: florathewriter   
> Twt: flora_stays


	6. Present

“I know where we need to look,” Seungmin said as soon as he recalled Felix’s mother telling him about the bird sanctuary in Sacheon. The town was small enough; locating a bird sanctuary would be a piece of cake.

“I think it’s a good idea,” Jisung nodded in approval when Seungmin presented his idea to his friends. “So when do we go to Sacheon?”

Seungmin stared, taken aback by the implication that he wanted to tag along. “Jisung, you have to go back to Malaysia in two days. You can’t be traveling across the country right now. I can do it alone –”

“You can’t do  _ shit _ alone,” Jisung scoffed, already navigating to a cheap flight website. “Besides, I own the agency. I can take more time off.” He shot a curious look in Hyunjin’s direction. “What about you? You up for it?”

“Oh no, no, no,” Seungmin looked at Hyunjin in alarm. “There’s really no need for you to –”

“I  _ want _ to.” The intensity of Hyunjin’s stubborn stare silenced him. “Someone else can teach my classes for a few days. It’s not a train smash. This is important to you – for you – and I want to be there. I’m going to be there.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Seungmin saw a smug smile spread across Jisung’s face and when he shot his best friend a glare, Jisung merely wiggled his eyebrows more suggestively. “Well then,” Seungmin turned around to pour himself another mug of coffee. He really just wanted to hide the colour in his cheeks, “I guess if you’re both sure…”

“Yeah, yeah, “Jisung snorted. “Just save the thank you speech. I’ll book us three tickets on the earliest flight, which is…”

Seungmin looked over his shoulder, at the phone that Jisung shoved in his face. With his glasses still somewhere on his bedside table, it took him a minute to find the flight times. And when he did, he nearly choked on his coffee. “That’s two hours from now!”

“Do you have better plans for today?” Jisung asked, his words dripping with sarcasm. When Seungmin scowled, he smiled in satisfaction and clicked on the purchase button. “Done.”

“I call dibs on the shower,” Hyunjin called out, already heading for the bathroom. Seungmin smiled after him, his smile fading at the shit-eating grin on Jisung’s face. 

“You  _ like _ him.”

Seungmin schooled his face into a neutral expression and jerked one of shoulders slightly. “Most people do. What’s not to like?”

“You know what I mean,” Jisung narrowed his eyes. “But fine, don’t admit it to me. Just admit it to yourself at some point, okay?”

The coffee in Seungmin’s mouth suddenly lacked a bit of sweetness. 

By plane, it took only an hour and a half to get to Sacheon, but it would take around forty minutes more to get to the mainland via ferry.

Seungmin leaned over the rails, lifting his face to the gentle breeze. The grey sky was dotted with blue where the clouds gave way, like little tears in the fabric of the sky. Gulls swooped low calling to each other, drowning out the sound of the ferry’s motor.

“This is nice,” Hyunjin stood beside him, looking out at the ripples of dark water. “It’s peaceful out here.”

Seungmin had to agree. Sacheon was a small fishing village. Over the water he could see the houses were all small with traditional pagoda roofs. There was none of the hustle and bustle of the city he’d lived in for seven years. It almost reminded him of home – Waegwan. Almost. Waegwan would always be unlike anything else – a creature with a heart of stone.

“Hey, you know what this reminds me of?” Hyunjin nudged his side playfully, an edge of excitement in his voice. “Titanic!”

“What?” Seungmin snorted out a laugh, shaking his head. “You  _ do _ know that Titanic was a ship and not a ferry, right?”

“So what?” Hyunjin’s lips formed a pout and he spoke with mock annoyance. “Kim Seungmin, use your imagination. Just… imagine,” he spread his arms dramatically.

An art teacher telling a property lawyer to use their imagination. Typical. But Seungmin took the bait, choosing to indulge his friend. “Sure, alright. Let’s imagine.”

Hyunjin raised a triumphant fist in the air. “Lovely. Isn’t this lovely, Rose?” He looked at Seungmin with a crazed glint in his eyes.

“Why do  _ I _ have to be Rose?” Seungmin argued, raising a brow.

“Because,” Hyunjin childishly folded his arms and shrugged a shoulder, “I’m the one who brought up Titanic. And I want to put my arms around you.”

Unlike every other time Hyunjin made a flirtatious remark, Seungmin found that this time he had nowhere to hide his blush, although jumping overboard and plunging headfirst into the water might be the ideal solution to his burning cheeks. He clamped his mouth shut and clenched his fingers around the railing, taking slow breaths and trying to calm the thumping of his heart.

“It is kind of chilly,” he finally relented. “I could do with the warmth.”

Hyunjin seemed startled for a second, but a moment later, he circled Seungmin with his arms, holding him against his chest, his head resting on Seungmin’s shoulder. Seungmin knew that Hyunjin craved hugs and intimacy. Whenever they watched a movie, he naturally gravitated towards Seungmin, throwing an arm around him, or settling back against his chest. Whenever they saw each other after a few days, he would lift Seungmin into his arms like they’d been apart for months, and sometimes when they were just walking down the street, Seungmin would find his arm linked with Hyunjin’s.

So by all means, he should be used to this. But it still made his stomach clench and unclench with a mixture of frenzied anticipation and nerves. And sometimes it was too much. Sometimes it made Seungmin feel overwhelmed, like he’d been unexpectedly dropped into a strange land with no map and no way to navigate. And when Seungmin felt this way, that’s when he began to withdraw, that’s when he pulled away.

Hyunjin didn’t question him or try to stop him when Seungmin extracted himself from his grip. But when Seungmin looked over his shoulder, he saw the hurt swimming in Hyunjin’s eyes.

“I don’t think I’d have the patience he does with you,” Jisung admitted when Seungmin took a seat beside him.

“Yeah, well,” Seungmin tried to come up with something snarky, but settled back into his seat with a groan. “I don’t think I would either.”

Stepping foot into the town where Lee Felix had grown up was an out-of-body experience for Seungmin. ‘Sacheon Lee Felix’ was often found under his google search history, but that had been the extent of his research on the town. He felt a deep shared connection with the town, with Felix being the common link between them. 

They walked past the fishing piers, past the bait shops and family diner, past the docking boats, until they reached a small tourist counter wedged between a hairdresser and thrift store. The woman behind the counter seemed startled to see them. Tourists were obviously a rare sight.

“Good day,” she chirped, already gathering one of each brochure into her hands, collecting them into a pile before holding it out for them. “How can I help?”

Seungmin accepted the brochures, passing them on to Jisung. “We’re actually…” he bit his lip, the realization that he might be a few minutes away from seeing Felix finally dawning on him. Would he be any different? Surely he must have changed some? How would he react when he saw Seungmin? Would he recognize him? He had to. Of course he had to.

“Any bird sanctuaries around here?” Jisung spoke up, shoving the brochures into Hyunjin’s arms. 

“Oh,” the woman frowned. “Not that I know of. But I’m sure there are a few better attractions for –”

“Please,” Hyunjin smiled at the woman, cradling the brochures in his arm like he would a baby, “we’re not tourists. We just really need to find a specific bird sanctuary. It would have been running eight years ago and before that as well. It’s super important.”

“Eight years ago…”The woman sat back, resigned. “I think I know what you’re looking for,” she huffed out a sigh and said somewhat reluctantly, “There has only ever been  _ one _ bird sanctuary in town. It’s a few blocks away. Turn the corner, pass the pie shop, and the carpenter’s workshop. It’s just next door.”

“Well, at least we don’t have to go looking for it,” Jisung muttered once they were on their way again. 

“Yeah,” Hyunjin agreed. He’d stuffed his coat pockets with the brochures, making him look comically bulkier. “Just around the corner.”

Seungmin kept silent, his lips pressed into a thin line. His chest rose and fell with rapid breaths as they got closer to their destination. He was going to see Lee Felix. Maybe. Hopefully. What were the chances?

He raked his fingers through his chestnut hair, and adjusted his red sweater so that it settled neatly against his jeans. They’d passed the carpenter’s workshop now. He dragged his sleeve across his forehead wiping away a bead of sweat.

Here it was. Well, this had to be it.

There were no signs marking it as a bird sanctuary. On the outside it seemed to be just a simple house, painted a bright peach color on the outside. An array of wind chimes hung on the porch, creating a beautiful yet unsettling sound as the breeze swept through. An SUV and an old motorcycle were in the driveway.

Seungmin hung back a few strides, allowing Jisung and Hyunjin to take the lead. Was Felix in there?

Hyunjin knocked, once, twice. And when the door opened, they all took a hasty step backwards. The man that looked up at them was obviously not Felix. 

He gaze drifted over all three of them. “Well, hello?”

“Hi,” Jisung spoke up, a charming grin on his face. “I think we’re at the wrong address. But could you maybe direct us to the bird sanctuary?”

The dark haired man huffed, slinging a dishtowel over his shoulder. “You ain’t gonna find any bird sanctuary up in Sacheon.”

All three exchanged a confused look, their brows furrowed. “We were looking for a bird sanctuary run by a Mrs Lee?” Hyunjin offered, stepping forward. “It’s actually her grandson we’re looking for.” He looked to Seungmin for help.

“Um, Lee Felix,” Seungmin piped up. “The one I’m looking for is Lee Felix.”

He was about to wonder if he should have brought that photograph when the man drew in a sharp breath. “Grandma Lee passed away years ago. I used to work for her. I bought the sanctuary, turned it into my family home. Felix… We know him as Yongbok in these parts. It’s what his grandmother called him. He’s… He doesn’t live in this town anymore.”

It was a lot of information for Seungmin to process in very little time and he stood stupidly, gawking at the man. No bird sanctuary, no Felix… Yongbok? No answers. Hyunjin slipped an arm around Seungmin’s shoulders, and Seungmin leaned into the comfort.

“I’m Changbin, by the way,” the man gave Seungmin a smile. 

Jisung was the first to extend his hand, offering a quick introduction of himself and then the others.

“C’mon in for a bit,” Changbin sighed. “We can talk.”

Changbin was the kind of person who would intimidate anyone at first glance. He wasn’t tall, but he was beefy, his bulging muscles making up for what he lacked in height. Two silver hooped earrings hung from one ear, and the crisp black lines of a semi-hidden tattoo were visible where the short sleeve of his plaid blue and white shirt ended. He wore knee-length cargo shorts and a set of keys jingled from his belt as he led them through the house. 

As they passed a window, the sunlight streaming through revealed the purple highlights distributed through Changbin’s hair. They were fun and trendy – not what you’d expect from a man who looked to be in his late twenties and living in a small fishing town like this one. 

There was a sea of children’s toys scattered on the floor and Hyunjin had visibly perked up at this. “You have kids?” 

“Oh yeah,” Changbin’s lips lifted into a smile. He seemed less intimidating now. “Two of ’em. My oldest is three. The younger is two. Wife’s at work so they’re all mine today,” he paused and looked back at them, “If you passed the tourism counter you would’ve seen her.” 

“Oh, right,” Seungmin recalled the woman at the little stall and understood why she’d seemed reluctant about giving them the address. “Sorry to disturb,” he apologized. “You’re probably really busy.”

Changbin shrugged in response. “Raising toddlers ain’t easy, y’know? But it’s fine. They’re sound asleep now.”

Jisung shuddered at the mention of kids and Seungmin had to elbow him, shooting him a warning glance in case he rattled off something inappropriate. “I’m really sorry if we’re intruding,” Seungmin apologized again, looking at a messy kitchen counter that showed the tell-tale signs of raising toddlers.

“Not at all,” Changbin waved a hand dismissively, grabbing a jug of iced tea from the fridge and gesturing to the glasses set out on a counter. “Can you get those for me? We get visitors now and then, all asking what happened to the bird sanctuary they visited as kids. But I guess that’s not why you’re here.”

“Nope,” Seungmin agreed. 

“We can talk out here,” Changbin led them through the back door and onto the back porch where a few chairs were set around a small wooden table. 

There were just enough chairs for all of them and Changbin poured them some iced tea, settling back in his chair after everyone had taken a sip. “It’s been a while since I’ve talked about Yongbok. Think about him now and then. But don’t ever talk about him, y’know?” Seungmin nodded. He knew. He recognized also, for the first time since meeting Changbin, that the man’s accent was a strange mix of the country and city, and wondered where he was from.

“You need to understand,” Changbin hung his head, his hands rubbing against the fabric of his pants. “I’m a simple guy. I love it here. This town, these people… It’s home. It’s not much but I never wanted anything different. Yongbok, though… He always wanted more.”

“How… How did you meet?” Seungmin asked, his fingers tapping nervously against his glass. “He grew up here. Did you know him since childhood?”

Changbin shook his head. “Moved here from Yongin with my dad. It was a few months after my high school graduation. Granny Lee offered me a job and I took it. Really, it was just me and Granny Lee until Yongbok and his mother moved back. That’s when I met him. I knew straight off the bat that he was different. Bright purple – nah, lavender he said – bright lavender hair. Piercings. Didn’t bat a lash when people stared. And in a small town like this… Well, I figured I was the only one who was…”

Seungmin raised his eyebrows in question.

“Well, Yongbok was into guys,” Changbin shrugged, a faint blush blooming in his cheeks. He probably didn’t discuss this kind of thing often. “But I swing both ways, you get me?” They all nodded. “So I mean,” Changbin took a sip of his iced tea, “of course we hit it off as soon as he moved here.”

Seungmin cocked his head to the side, leaning forward slightly. “Are you saying you  _ dated _ Felix?” Jisung reached out, squeezing Seungmin’s shoulder. He knew how difficult this was going to be. Of course Seungmin knew Felix would date people after him. But how had he moved on from Seungmin so fast? Had Seungmin meant nothing to him? 

“We dated for around a year. Just under, maybe.”

“So what happened?” Jisung asked, his forehead creased, mouth turned down. “Did he and his mother unexpectedly leave town?” He sounded agitated, and for the first time Seungmin realized that Jisung was well and truly pissed off at Felix. 

“Oh no no,” Changbin gave a slight shake of his head. Seungmin followed his gaze out to the garden where a few birds flocked around a small stone fountain. He wondered what memories were replaying in Changbin’s mind. “He went off to university. Asked me to go with, of course. But the hell would I do at a university? I barely managed graduating high school. And I was happy here. I had no intentions of leaving.”

“But Felix didn’t want to stay,” Seungmin realized. “Is that why you broke up?”

Changbin made a strangled noise in his throat. “Not exactly. I told him I’d go with him, that I’d find work there in Busan. Seems fu–” he cringed, looking over his shoulder to make sure the back door was closed and lowered his voice, “–cking ridiculous now, really. The week before we were supposed to leave he told me it was a bad idea, that we were just kids. Too young for that kinda commitment.” He took a long drink from his glass and when he spoke, his voice was rife with emotion. “Broke my heart. Whatever he said was true, but it broke my heart that he wouldn’t even try.”

Seungmin clutched the edge of the table, his fingers – no – his entire body beginning to tremble. Changbin’s anguish mirrored his own. For the first time, someone else could understand how he felt, but Seungmin felt no comfort from it. 

“Hyunjin,” Jisung rose to his feet. “Why don’t we take a walk around the garden?”

Hyunjin remained seated, looking from Seungmin to Jisung. “I don’t think…”

“Come on,” Jisung swatted his shoulder impatiently, giving him a deathly glare. Seungmin would have thanked him for his tact and thoughtfulness if his voice hadn’t abandoned him.

“Fine,” Hyunjin mumbled, giving Seungmin’s shoulders a quick squeeze, as if to say, ‘I’m here if you need me’, before following behind Jisung.

“So you and Yongbok…” Changbin trailed off, his lower lip clenched between his teeth.

Seungmin pressed his palms against his eyes, trying to physically hold back the tears. When he lowered his hands, his eyes were moist. “Yeah,” he took a deep breath. “Senior year of high school. Before he and his mom moved back here.” He gave Changbin a hopeful look. “Did he ever… Did he ever mention me?”

He saw the answer before Changbin said it. “I’m sorry. Yongbok never spoke about his past. I mean, yeah, sometimes he said things about where he’s been but never enough detail.”

Seungmin knew that too. He’d often tried speaking to Felix about where he came from, about his past. About his father. But Felix had always been so adamant that the past never mattered. But now Seungmin knew that it mattered; he knew about the power of the past and how hard it was to escape its clutches.

“I need to find him.”

Changbin shook his head and shrugged. “All I know is that he went to university in Busan. Never came back for any of the vacations. Two years after he left, his grandmother fell ill. She moved away with Yongbok’s mom. Somewhere in the mountains, where she’d always wanted to go, I heard. I looked after this place, then bought it off ‘em.”

A weight settled on Seungmin’s heart, causing him to slump back in his chair. His hope began to disintegrate.

“Can’t say I ain’t never tried to contact Yongbok after he left,” Changbin grimaced. “But he never responded to my texts and after a while the number went out of service.”

“Is that when you decided to move on?” Seungmin looked at him with genuine curiosity. “I’ve tried but I – it’s…” He huffed out a frustrated sigh. 

“It’s easier for some than others,” Changbin reassured him with a smile. “Can you wait here for a minute? I think I have something that could help.”

Seungmin’s spirits buoyed and his heart leaped. And when Changbin returned with what looked like a piece of wrapping paper, Seungmin struggled to remain in his seat. “What is it?”

“I guess when Felix was in his freshman year of university, he sent something through the mail for his mother. When they moved, they left some stuff in the attic.” He entrusted the wrapping paper to Seungmin’s shaky hands. “It has a return address. Some apartment building in Busan.”

Seungmin clapped a hand over his mouth. It would mean traveling to Busan and the chances that Felix was still there were slim to none, but…

“Why did you never use this to try to find him?” Seungmin wondered out loud and immediately regretted it. “If I’m prying –”

“I didn’t wanna,” Changbin shrugged, eyes darting to the house where a childish laugh could be heard. “I already had a family when I found that in the attic. I was – and I am – content and happy. I think about Yongbok. Of course I do. I loved him. But sometimes it just ain’t meant to be.”

Seungmin could share in that sentiment. It was true – sometimes it isn’t meant to be. But he’d  _ wanted _ it to be, to be more than what it was, to be  _ more _ . 

He lifted his eyes to where Hyunjin stood with his hands in his pockets, swaying on the spot to a silent melody. Their eyes met, and Hyunjin broke into a smile that radiated comfort and reassurance and hope and all things good.

He’d travel around the world and back if it helped him move on from Felix.


	7. Past

Seungmin’s mind was an on and off switch, flicking between ‘the kiss shouldn’t have happened anyway’ and ‘I want to kiss him again’. But regardless of what he wanted, Felix had spent the next two weeks pointedly ignoring Seungmin at school. 

Not that Seungmin had tried to talk to Felix either. He couldn’t. He couldn’t just go up to Felix and strike up a conversation in the school hallways. He was really at a loss for how he could communicate with the boy. And to make matters worse, he still didn’t do know what he’d done wrong.

Had his kiss really sucked that much? Had Felix not wanted to kiss him in the first place? But Seungmin had been sure – he’d been so sure!

“Snap out of it, man!”

Seungmin yelped at the stinging pain on his back and glowered at Jisung. “What was that for?” He eyed the empty water bottle in the boy’s hand. 

“Bro,” Jisung looked at him incredulously, like he was the one who just got whacked with a bottle, “I’ve been talking to myself for the past half an hour.”

Seungmin raised an eyebrow. “Why’ve you been doing that?”

Jisung twisted his lips into a frown and he scrunched his nose. “I was trying to talk to  _ you _ !”

“Oh.” It was all Seungmin could say, because he was currently preoccupied with the purple-haired boy walking across the cafeteria. If only he was brave enough… He’d go up to Felix. He’d talk to him, ask him what went wrong, ask him why –

Seungmin flinched as a spoonful of spaghetti hit Felix square on the chest. The boy just stood stoically, eyes sweeping the cafeteria before he lowered his gaze and continued on to the lunch lady. There was an awful red spaghetti sauce stain on his white shirt and a few of the noodles hung off him. Seungmin watched with bated breath as a half-eaten sandwich sailed through the air landing smack on the back of Felix’s head. 

“The fuck is wrong with these people?” He muttered angrily, clutching the edge of the table. 

Jisung cast him an offhand look and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Dude, just eat and let’s get out of here.”

But the slurs had started. It began with just one person and then there were calls from several spots in the cafeteria, Seungmin’s gut twisted and he wished that Felix would hurry up and leave. What was he thinking coming to the cafeteria? 

Belatedly, Seungmin caught himself and berated himself for thinking that way. Hiding away was the coward’s way out and Felix was not a coward. He was nothing like Seungmin. Seungmin who sat frozen in place, eating his lunch and turning a blind eye while everyone picked on the boy he cared about.

He watched as Felix grabbed a wrapped sandwich from the lunch lady and made his way to an empty table. Like always, he ignored the jibes and bits of food being thrown at him, and calmly ate his sandwich. Now and then he would momentarily pause to raise his middle finger in the direction of a slur. And when he was done, he headed over to the lunch lady, retrieved an apple and strode across to the doors, his head held high.

Seungmin felt a mixture of awe and distress. He stuffed the remainder of his chicken and mayo sandwich into his mouth and slung his bag over his shoulder.

Jisung stopped mid-chew and asked with his food-stuffed cheeks, “Where you off to? I’m not even done yet.”

“I can see that,” Seungmin swallowed down his mouthful, already a few feet away. “I forgot about some stuff I needed to do for the newspaper. I need to get it done or…” He grimaced, hoping Jisung would buy it, and bolted for the doors.

The hallway outside was nearly deserted. Only a few students stood here and there, and attempted to rope Seungmin into their conversations. He politely declined and searched the hallway for that familiar purple hair. Nothing. Where would Felix spend his lunch break? He’d never given much thought to it. Seungmin had never spent his anywhere except at the library doing last minute assignments or at the cafeteria. But he’d never seen Felix at either place before. 

He turned on the spot, making one more sweeping gaze before he began to head towards his History class. He’d be twenty minutes early but that was fine. He raised a hand to return the wave of some student whose name he didn’t remember, when he spotted the blob of mayo on the sleeve of his blazer. Great. Fucking great. That’s what happened when you ate in a rush. 

Seungmin caught a whiff of it as soon as he stepped into the restroom. The cook’s homemade mustard sauce. It smelled really good, but he knew from experience that it tasted awful. And despite the complaints, the cook tended to smother almost every sandwich filling with it. 

He stopped in his tracks, his heart soaring at the sight of Felix standing beside a basin. And then it plummeted when he realized that Felix was trying to wash the stains off his shirt with a wet handkerchief. “I hope you don’t spend every lunch break doing this,” he said, alerting the boy to his presence. Felix looked up, catching Seungmin’s reflection in the mirror and offering a small smile.

“I do, actually. Leave it for more than an hour and it’s fucking hell to wash off at home.”

Seungmin nodded, approaching cautiously and to his bewilderment, Felix turned on his heel and headed into one of the six stalls. It was Seungmin’s luck that there was no one else in the restroom with them.

“Felix? You okay in there?” He stared at the closed door.

Silence.

“I know we haven’t had a chance to talk, so if you want to now…”

More silence.

“Look, I really want to talk to you. Can we? For a minute or… two? Please?” 

There was a click and the door opened but only a sliver. “Come in.”

Seungmin hesitated, glancing over his shoulder to make sure they were alone. The hallway was silent too. But if someone came in… Well, then they’d just have to be really quiet. But nothing bad would happen, right? 

But when he found himself in the cramped space with barely two inches of breathing room between him and Felix, he began to rethink his decision. The boy across from him leaned against the wall, his arms folded. He looked at Seungmin warily, as if he didn’t quite trust him. Seungmin gulped, wanting to raise a hand to scratch the back of his head like he usually did when in a harrowing situation, but he’d probably end up accidentally elbowing Felix in the face. He settled for shoving his hands into the pockets of his trousers. 

“I just wanted to talk about, uh,” he looked down at his shoes, “about that – that – what happened in your room.” About their kiss…

“We don’t have to talk about that,” Felix pursed his lips, staring at the toilet seat as if it was the most interesting thing he’d ever encountered.

Seungmin felt his anger begin to flare. “Wouldn’t  _ you _ want to know what happened if you kissed someone and they asked you to leave? Wouldn’t you wonder what you did wrong?”

Now Felix lifted his gaze. He seemed taken aback by Seungmin’s outburst and his expression softened. “I didn’t realize…” He shook his head, swallowing a lump in his throat. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Seungmin.”

“Well it doesn’t feel that way.” He hadn’t meant to sound so confrontational, so… hurt. But for the first time, he acknowledged now with a pang of shame, that Felix had in fact hurt him. 

“Trust me,” Felix looked up at him with doe eyes that made it nearly impossible for Seungmin not to trust him. “You did nothing wrong. It’s just…” A pink flush began to creep up Felix’s neck and into his cheeks. “I’ve never, um… That was my first kiss.”

Seungmin gaped, stunned by this new piece of information. “You’ve never kissed anyone before me?”

Felix shook his head. “I know I look the type,” he laughed drily. “Piercings, dyed hair, the don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, right?” Seungmin wanted to refute it, but really, it’s what he’d assumed and he felt bad for thinking in such a stereotypical way. “But… Intimate stuff, relationship stuff,” Felix shrugged his shoulders, “I have no experience with that.”

So Felix’s first kiss had really been with him! It gave rise to sudden burst of elation, and his heart began to beat twice as fast. 

“I just didn’t expect my first kiss to be with someone like you.”

And Seungmin’s delight began to ebb away with those words. 

“Someone like me?” 

Felix hesitated for a moment. “Someone who hasn’t come out yet, I mean. I don’t blame you, of course,” he added quickly when he saw the expression on Seungmin’s face. “You have your reasons. I just… I don’t think I can handle any more secret kisses. And I definitely hadn’t meant for my first kiss to be with someone whose hand I can’t even hold in public.”

Everything Felix said made sense, and Seungmin would’ve probably felt the same had he been in his shoes. But it still stung. Seungmin felt as though he was in an impossible situation. He knew without a doubt that if he lived in a different town, he would’ve been dating Felix already. But  _ here _ , it was impossible. And it made him angry – at himself and everyone else. 

“I hate this,” he muttered, pressing his lips into a grim line.

“It’s not your fault,” Felix repeated his sentiment, and this time, lightly pressed a hand over Seungmin’s chest.

He shouldn’t have done that. There were those sirens again, along with flashing red lights.  _ Wee-woo-wee-woo! _

The birds in his stomach were beginning their migration again and Seungmin wondered if Felix could feel the rapid escalation of his heartbeat. With a slight tremble, he placed his hand over Felix’s.

“I’m sorry that we can’t do this out there. I’m so fucking sorry but I – I…” Was this selfish? Was it too selfish to ask? Felix waited patiently for him to continue, his jaw twitching with apprehension. “If I could have a normal relationship with you, I would. I want to hold your hand, and kiss you and take you out on dates, and touch your freckles and run my hands through that purple hair and see that one thousand megawatt smile every day. But this,” he indicated the enclosed cubicle, “is all we have. And I know it’s too selfish of me to ask you to be content with this.”

“My hair’s lavender, not purple.”

“Oh,” Seungmin straightened, and if he hadn’t just poured out his feelings like a complete idiot, he would’ve been mind-blown that Felix’s hair colour was actually lavender and not purple. He blew out his cheeks, slowly releasing a breath, and turned to open the door.

“Wait.” Fingers closed around Seungmin’s wrist. “Maybe we can try?”

Seungmin took a moment to recover from his surprise, and responded by softly pressing his lips to Felix’s again, giving in to the need that had been plaguing him since he’d first set eyes on the boy. His hands wrapped around the smaller boy’s waist, and Felix’s hands entwined around his neck, his body curving into Seungmin’s.

Despite that voice in his head telling him otherwise, he couldn’t help but think that in that moment, they were perfect for each other. 


	8. Present

“I don’t know what we’re going to find,” Seungmin said for the millionth time since they drove beneath the signboard indicating that they’d entered Busan. “Probably nothing.” He was sure he was annoying both Hyunjin and Jisung by now, but they took it in stride, listening to him mumble as they traveled further in.

“Let me see that address again,” Hyunjin held out his hand and Seungmin showed him the label he’d torn off the wrapping paper. “Looks like it’s just down this street.”

“Hope so,” Jisung muttered from the backseat where he was sprawled, a few empty pizza boxes on his lap. Traveling was hungry business. The stress of the situation didn’t help placate their appetites either. “On our way back we’re definitely getting some of that fried chicken from that place we passed just now.” Hyunjin and Seungmin murmured in agreement.

The town they were in, Semyang, was moderately sized, and they’d passed a large number of fast-food outlets conveniently situated near the university campus. The apartment building they were looking for was situated just opposite a laundromat with a bright blue storefront as if that would make the idea of doing your laundry a lot more fun.

Seungmin studied the apartment building, trying to place Felix in it. He couldn’t really imagine it. The building had obviously been there for a long time, the grey bricks looking slightly brown, the brown – probably white at some point – drain pipe running down the length of the building was spewing murky water into the gutter. Only a few of the windows were open, most residents probably choosing to keep their apartments free from the smell of sewage. 

The trio made their way to the building entrance, and Seungmin stopped in the arched doorway, looking at the abandoned lobby. The security desk up front was covered in dust and probably hadn’t been manned in a long time. He didn’t think a building like this would actually come with a security guard. Maybe once, long ago when the building was in its prime, when the elevator didn’t have an old ‘out-of-order’ sign lying at the foot of its slightly pulled apart doors.

“I guess we’re taking the stairs,” Hyunjin grimaced, gesturing to the stairwell. “At least we’re just going up to the second floor.”

Jisung hummed in agreement. “Could use a workout anyway.” He patted his slightly bulging belly and Seungmin suppressed a chuckle. Back in university Jisung had gone through a buff phase, working out for hours every single day. But once he’d moved to Malaysia…

Seungmin began to wonder if he’d physically changed all that much. Would Felix recognize him straight away? Would he recognize Felix straight away? Was Felix even up there? He refused to get his hopes up.

Hyunjin, the only fit one in the trio, was the first to reach apartment ten. He raised his fist, poised to knock, and raised an eyebrow in Seungmin’s direction, waiting for him to give him the go-ahead. 

Seungmin took a deep breath and nodded. Just as Hyunjin’s fist began to knock against the hardwood door, a shattering sound along with a loud clanging noise drifted through to them – the tell-tale signs of a kitchen disaster. Seungmin knew all about those.

The trio cringed and backed away from the door when a slightly flustered young man opened the door, his dark hair stuck to his forehead with what Seungmin could only assume was sweat. 

“Yeah, hi,” he panted, trying to position himself so as to shield the mess on his apron – bolognaise by the looks of it. “Can I help you?”

“Uh,” Seungmin’s intuition already told him Felix wasn’t there. “We were just looking for someone. Lee Felix?”

The young man shrugged, and looked over his shoulder, “Hey, Kangmin! C’mere for a second, bro!”

A slightly shorter male with brunette hair appeared at his shoulder, eyes widening as he took in the trio. “Can I help you?” He sounded bewildered like visitors were something out of the ordinary. 

“You know a Lee Felix?” the dark haired man questioned.

The brunette scrunched his nose as he thought and finally shook his head. “Nah, sorry. Maybe try upstairs?”

Seungmin shook his head and his shoulders began to sag. “That’s okay. This is the address we had. I guess he used to live here a while back.”

“Oh then…” the brunette held out a finger and bumped his companion with his hip, “Junghwan, won’t our landlord have some idea?”

“The professor!” the dark haired man nodded, giving them a grin. “Here,” he whipped out his phone and began to scroll, “are his details. You’re in luck because he lives on campus.”

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin sincerely apologized to Hyunjin and Jisung. “I’m just dragging you all over the place.”

“On the contrary,” Hyunjin shook his head, slurping soda through a straw, “this feels like quite the adventure. Like… Like we’re on our way to Neverland.”

Seungmin laughed, “So am I Peter Pan and are you Wendy? Or is it the other way around?”

“Actually, I’m Tinkerbell,” Hyunjin wiggled his eyebrows, a smug smile on his lips.

Seungmin shook his head, but cracked a smile in amusement. “And is Jisung – oh.” He realized that they were a good few feet away from Jisung who was chatting up a woman passing by. He trudged over and pulled his friend away, reminding him of the task at hand.

The campus was massive, with a large proportion reserved for the dormitories. Students on one end, and for staff who didn’t want to travel, they were accommodated in lovely houses on the other end. 

“Imagine graduating and then coming back here to work,” Jisung shuddered. “Couldn’t be me. I would never.”

Seungmin chuckled. “I guess it’s different when you’re the one doing the teaching.”

“Nah, man,” Jisung folded his arms as they walked down a tarred road. “This is the stuff of nightmares. Do you remember what college was like for us? I mean the parties were awesome. But the group projects? Three hour lectures? The tests? Exams? Hell, man.”

Seungmin realized that he and Jisung had very different memories of college. Both had studied in Seoul, eager to get away from the small town where they’d resided since birth. At first, before Felix left, Seungmin’s grades had been so low that he wasn’t sure college would be on the cards. But after… He threw himself into studying, into homework, assignments… Anything to improve his grades and help him get away from that town faster.

And college had been more of the same. He’d thought that getting away from Waegwan would be a catalyst for better things. But those better things were just wishful thinking. Without Felix, Seungmin had felt like an empty shell. He hadn’t felt much like socializing, going to parties, getting drunk, doing whatever college kids did. 

It had taken him a while to get into the groove of things, to re-learn the art of making friends, of being… human again. He glanced at Hyunjin. He’d been a huge part of the reason Seungmin had been able to live again. There was something so vibrant about him, that when Seungmin was with him, it felt like all the dark spaces in his life were being painted over with bright colors. He caught Seungmin’s eye, and instead of looking away like every other time, Seungmin smiled at him, and didn’t even hesitate as he slipped his hand into Hyunjin’s. 

They rang the doorbell, hoping that the professor was home. There was a bit of shuffling, and the door opened to reveal a man with a ginger tabby wrestling in his arms. He wasn’t old and grey like Seungmin had expected. In fact he had to be just a few years old than them. He looked up at them over his gold-rimmed spectacles and greeted them with a nod of his head. “The boys called and told me to expect you lot.”

“We’re really sorry to disturb,” Seungmin apologized quickly, flushing when the professor raised an eyebrow, conceding that they had in fact disturbed him. “We’re looking for an old – an old – uh… Felix.”

“An old Felix?” The professor stroked the tabby, his expression growing slightly impatient.

“Actually,” Jisung stepped up now, “we’re looking for a Lee Felix.” He scrunched his nose and then added, “Apparently known as Yongbok too.”

A flicker of recognition passed over the professor’s face and his fingers stilled in the tabby’s fur. “Looking for Yongbok, are we?” For a moment the professor sounded older than he looked, like the world rested on his shoulders. “Better come in then, fellas.”

A loud sniffle made them all turn to look at Hyunjin. 

“Are you  _ crying _ ?” Jisung asked with incredulity. It certainly sounded like it. They looked the tall man in confusion.

But Hyunjin shook his head and pointed at the cat. “Cat fur. Just a –” he sniffled again “–slight allergy.”

“Well I have two more inside,” the professor huffed, eyebrows furrowed into a deep V. “And I’m not letting any of them out for you. You can wait out here on the lawn, and let me warn you, the mosquitoes are as good as vampires once the sun goes down.”

Jisung shook with silent laughter but Seungmin looked at Hyunjin apologetically. “I’m sure we won’t be too long—”

“I’m coming inside,” Hyunjin said, his jaw set in determination. He gestured towards the doorway, “Come on.”

Seungmin squeezed his hand appreciatively, not missing the grin Jisung gave him. He rolled his eyes, unable to suppress his smile.

The professor’s house smelled like synthetic air freshener and cats. As they walked down the hallway, they passed several framed graduation certificates, proudly displaying the professor’s academic achievements. There were also several framed photographs of the professor’s cats. 

In the living room, two cats were curled up on an armchair beside a fireplace, the flames crackling low. Hyunjin lingered in the doorway. “I’ll stand here,” he sniffled. 

Seungmin patted his back, and crossed the room to sit down on a large leather couch, pulling Jisung down with him to prevent his friend from examining (and breaking) a crystal vase. He shot Jisung a reproachful look, and looked at the professor who had settled in another armchair. The cat in his arms had seemingly dosed off. “So um… Felix – Yongbok, I mean…” Seungmin began. “Professor, we just want to know—”

“Minho,” the professor snorted. “Just call me Minho. The professor thing is reserved for when I’m being a snob in class. So you want to know where Yongbok is?” He gave Seungmin a wry smile, waiting for him to confirm that he’d been about to ask him that. Seungmin nodded. “He’s a friend of yours?”

Seungmin hesitated. “We dated,” was all he managed.

Minho studied him with his head cocked to the side. “Apartment ten,” he began to explain, “was a gift from my parents when I moved over here to start my studies.”

“They gifted you an apartment?” Jisung gaped. Off-topic, but yeah, even Seungmin found an apartment an impressive enough gift to warrant a divergence from the matter at hand.

“And a car and other things I didn’t really need,” Minho shrugged. “Look, I was a spoilt, rich kid. I had everything before I could even ask for anything. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why Yongbok and I never got along when he moved in.” 

“So you lived together?” Seungmin asked with growing interest.

Minho nodded, “It’s a big apartment. Looked pretty good too back then – around six or seven years back, I guess. Anyway, I saw Yongbok’s ad on the university website. He was looking for a place. I guess the student dorms weren’t his cup of tea. I had a spare bedroom so I told him I’d rent it out to him. Seemed like a great idea at first.”

“And then?” Seungmin prompted, leaning forward slightly.

Minho carded his fingers through his dark hair and grimaced. “We fought a lot. Yongbok was… a free spirit. Wild, almost. There was only so much I could take. He’d get drunk almost every second night. Make a huge mess. And—” the professor laughed “—it’s funny that the thing that made me ask him to leave was the orange hair dye he spilled over the bathroom sink.”

“So you kicked him out?” Jisung nodded as if he approved of the idea.

“Yeah, and then I asked him to come back half an hour later.”

“Why?” the trio asked in unison, confusion written on their faces.

Minho’s lips curved into a sad smile, “Because you only know the value of someone when they’re not with you anymore.” Seungmin’s chest tightened and he wondered… “Anyway,” the professor cleared his throat, “he came back. And uh… I guess things got better from there.”

“How? Better how?” Seungmin questioned. He knew it sounded like an interrogation, but he had an awful feeling…

A flush crept along Minho’s neck, and he lowered his eyes. “Well, it started with a kiss…” Seungmin clenched his jaw. For some reason, he’d expected this, but it still sent an angry tremor through his body. “God, I don’t even know how it happened,” Minho laughed. “At first we were just angry at each other, shouting each other down, and then we were kissing.” He smiled to himself, probably reliving the memories the way Seungmin sometimes did.

Maybe ‘reliving’ was the wrong word to use. It was more like watching a movie play out on a screen. You could identify with what the characters were going through, but the story wasn’t yours to live. Seungmin felt that way when he thought about his relationship with Felix. It felt like the two boys were just characters whose story had come to an end rather abruptly, without the movie playing out until the end.

“We lived in that apartment for two years,” Minho sighed, shifting so that the cat could hop off his lap. “I was so sure that he was the one, you know?” Seungmin nodded even though Minho was staring at the ground. “I had all these plans for us. I was an exam away from graduating. Yongbok still had two more years. But I was ready to – to do whatever it is I needed to do to secure a future for us. I looked forward to it too,” his voice dropped an octave. “The whole… serious relationship thing. I really wanted that. I wanted to have a family one day. With him.” He looked wistfully at the cats huddled on the armchair beside him. 

Seungmin wondered whether the cats were simply some kind of placeholder family for the one Minho had wanted with Felix. “What happened?” he asked as gently as he could, knowing that what followed wouldn’t be good.

“He wished me good luck for my final exam,” Minho explained, his fingers drumming along his thighs. “When I got back to the apartment a few hours later, he was gone. All his things were gone too. No sign that he’d ever been there. Of course, I went looking for him. Found out he’d dropped out from university. I never saw him since.”

Seungmin raised a trembling hand to cover his mouth. Felix… He’d left another broken heart behind. “I’m so sorry,” he gasped out, feeling strangely accountable for Felix’s actions. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Hyunjin frowned, his arms folded. “Surely, you don’t blame yourself for his bullshit.”

“Yongbok knew exactly what he was doing,” Minho nodded in agreement. “No one forced him to leave. I guess he just… wanted to leave. And when I started working at the university they offered me this house and I – well, it was a relief to leave that place. Too many memories.” His eyes were filled with understanding when he looked at Seungmin again. “I take it he broke your heart too.”

Seungmin nodded and looked down at his hands. When he thought about Changbin and Minho who had dated Felix much longer than he had, his high school heartbreak seemed trivial in comparison. And the fact that Seungmin was traveling all over the place to look for Felix seemed really stupid and childish. 

“We should get going,” he looked at Jisung and then at Hyunjin. “I don’t think there’s anything else we can do.”

“What?” Minho’s lips twisted into a frown. “I thought you were looking for him?”

“Yeah,” Seungmin shrugged. “But we don’t even know where he is and anyway—”

“I know where he is.”

Seungmin watched in stunned silence as Minho strode across the room, dropping to his knees in front of a small rectangular cabinet, the kind Seungmin used to store old DVD’s. Minho slid the door open and rummaged inside for a bit before producing something. “He sent me this.” He handed the postcard to Seungmin.

“You’re kidding,” Hyunjin sniffled behind a wad of tissues.

Jisung had a look of disgust on his face. “The dude left you and then sent you a postcard? Not gonna lie, that’s pretty fucked up, even by my standards.”

Seungmin examined the postcard. The picture was beautiful – a sun setting over the ocean, a bright orange glow illuminating the edges of the dark, cresting waves. He turned it over, and looked at Minho for permission to read.

Minho grimaced. “It’s really just two lines,” he said blandly. “Hey, Minho, I miss you. I miss watching the sunset with you,” the professor shrugged. “That’s it. I don’t know why he sent that a year after he left. Or maybe I do know. A part of me hoped that he was trying to reach out, that he wanted to come back. Another part of me, feared that he’d come back.”

“So you didn’t try to contact him?” Seungmin asked, swiping a finger over the faded pen marks on the postcard, noting that although the untidy scrawl was familiar, Felix had signed it as Yongbok. 

“Never,” Minho tilted his head upwards, and looked down at them over his spectacles. “I’ve had enough heartbreak for a lifetime. I want nothing to do with him.”

“But don’t you want to know why?” Seungmin pressed. “Don’t you want to know what happened?”

“What happened,” Minho said, his voice steeped in bitterness, “is that I had the misfortune of meeting Lee Yongbok and falling in love with him. I don’t care why he left. He left, and that’s all that matters.”

Seungmin chewed on his lip. He knew what Minho felt. An overwhelming sense of anger towards Felix, anger that masked what he really felt – fear. Fear of the truth. Because what if Felix wasn’t the problem? Wasn’t that the question that haunted Seungmin? What if Seungmin was the reason Felix left? What if he was the one who wasn’t good enough?

He looked at the address scrawled on the right of the postcard. “This is in Busan,” he said in surprise. He’d assumed Felix would’ve moved on to another city.

“Myeongdam’s a small town near the beach,” Minho nodded. “One of those tourist traps. About an hour and a half away from here. You guys look pretty tired though,” he said, raising an eyebrow in Hyunjin’s direction. Seungmin saw the blonde stifle a yawn. “I would offer to let you stay the night, but I don’t think you’ll get much sleep with that allergy.”

“It’s fine,” Seungmin rose to his feet and offered Minho a smile. “You’ve helped us a lot.”

“There should be a motel or two on your way to Myeongdam,” Minho returned his smile. “I hope you reach safely.”

Seungmin chewed on his lip and glanced at Jisung and Hyunjin. “I’ll see you both outside in a minute.”

Alone with Minho, he took the liberty of placing a hand on his shoulder. “I know our circumstances were different, and honestly I was just a kid, but I spent eight years afraid of learning the truth. Now I think it’s best to get to the root of things instead of letting things fester. Kind of like a toothache. You think you can handle the dull ache so you just let it be, but one morning you wake up and the pain is unbearable. Don’t let it fester, Minho.”

Seungmin flopped onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. It was the nicest motel they could find at that hour. They stopped at a gas station to fill up – the car and their stomachs – and had found the motel leaflets. According to Jisung, if an establishment was willing to spend money on advertising, they had to be the good kind and not the pay-hourly-and-do-your-business-then-go-back-to-your-spouse kind of motel.

Still, he couldn’t help but run through every horror movie he’d ever seen that took place in a motel. He began to count them off on his fingers when there was a soft tap on his door. What a cliché. He huffed, and shot up, readying himself to tell Jisung off and send him back to his room.

“Hyunjin,” his lips automatically formed a smile at the sight of the slightly taller man leaning against the doorframe. “Hey.”

“I guess you weren’t already in bed then,” Hyunjin chuckled, sounding a bit nervous. 

“Nah,” Seungmin gave him a wry smile, “but I was  _ on _ it. Wanna come in?” He stepped aside to let Hyunjin in and closed the door behind them, shutting out the cold draft.

“Actually, I uh…” Hyunjin cleared his throat, his cheeks unusually red. He gave Seungmin a sheepish grin. “I wanted to ask whether you could do that thing again.”

“What thing?” Seungmin stared blankly, shifting from foot to foot.

“That thing,” Hyunjin grinned, and stretched out his hand, wiggling his fingers in invitation.

Seungmin snorted out a surprised laugh. “You came to ask if I could hold your hand? I’ve held your hand dozens of times before!”

“But it felt different today.”

Seungmin could feel the heat creeping into his cheeks now. He knew what Hyunjin meant. It had felt different. Because it was different. He summoned a burst of courage and slipped his hand into Hyunjin’s again. For a few seconds both men stared at their joined hands. And then their eyes connected. 

Seungmin was the first to step closer. “Are we just going to stand here holding hands?” he asked, his voice dropping to a whisper.

Hyunjin smiled, his head slightly bowed as he attempted to fight off a blush. “Why?” he asked, his words a tad high pitched now. “Is there something else you want to do?” 

“Yeah, I want to say goodnight,” Seungmin’s lips pressed together, trying to hold back a laugh at Hyunjin’s fallen expression. “Like this,” he elaborated, so close that they were chest to chest. He could feel Hyunjin’s stuttering breath on his lips. He placed a hand on Hyunjin’s jaw, at the same time aware that Hyunjin’s hand was snaking around his waist. Hyunjin’s eyes flickered down to his lips and then back up. His gaze, as always, filled with adoration and yearning that made Seungmin regret making him wait this long. All of a sudden, Seungmin could not prolong it.

He connected their lips, a feather-light touch that breathed life into Seungmin, submerging his entire being with pulsating warmth, inducing a shiver that ran through his body from head to toe. It was barely a kiss, but when they pulled apart it felt like a ravenous hunger that had unknowingly been lurking inside Seungmin, had finally been gratified. 

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin rasped, resting his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder.

“It’s fine,” Hyunjin clicked his tongue. “You’re a bit rusty and there’s room for improvement but I’ll make do with that.”

“What?” Seungmin pulled back and whacked Hyunjin on the shoulder. “I meant I’m sorry for making you wait and—” He stopped short at Hyunjin’s rumble of laughter, his entire body vibrating. And Seungmin found himself joining in.

“Just joking,” Hyunjin grinned sheepishly. “But really,” he settled into a serious expression, fingers carding through Seungmin’s hair, “it was worth the wait. I have all the time in the world for you, Minnie.”


	9. Past

Seungmin quickly learned that no matter how perfect two people were for each other, as long as their relationship was shrouded in secrecy, it was a recipe for disaster. There was a set of unspoken rules between him and Felix, which like a coiled wire spring, allowed them to inch closer together, only to push them apart again. 

He never had to tell Felix that they couldn’t be seen together at school. Or outside of it. Felix never attempted to make eye contact with him, or to talk to him when they brushed past each other in the hallways. They sat in the furthest corners away from each other, and although they’d exchanged numbers, they didn’t even dare text each other while they were in school. After their little tryst in the restroom, Seungmin wasn’t brave enough to do it again, so he arranged to meet Felix elsewhere.

Usually, they ended up on Felix’s bedroom floor while they played videogames, and snuck kisses in between spoonfuls of chocolate ice cream. Although, Felix hadn’t introduced Seungmin as his boyfriend, Felix had been quick to reassure him that, “Mom won’t pry. We don’t have to tell her about us.”

Seungmin found it all a bit strange that Felix’s mother knew he was into guys but he still didn’t want to tell her about their relationship. Still, he knew Felix must have his reasons and hoped he’d open up… soon. He craved information about the boy. It felt as if he poured his heart out to Felix, but Felix just… He was so closed off.

They weren’t able to do much at Felix’s house, but when the evenings were warm, they met on the hiking trail. It wasn’t anything extraordinary, but they were together and that’s what mattered. And honestly, that wasn’t bad. He liked just sitting beside Felix while the boy stared at something on the ground that he found fascinating, or tried to get a squirrel to come closer, or dug through a packet of Skittles for the green ones. Felix liked watching Seungmin take random photographs of things.

Once, even though Seungmin knew it would be dangerous if he got caught with it, he snapped a photograph of Felix. With the autumn leaves wisping around him and a singular golden ray of sun casting a halo around him, Felix looked like one of those fantastical beings from the fairy tales Seungmin used to read as a kid.

“I wish it could always be like this,” Seungmin mused one evening, as they sat on a steep hill overlooking the rest of the city. “Imagine it. Just you and I.”

Felix released his lower lip from between his teeth and sighed. “We’re together right now. Why worry about tomorrow or next week or next month or next year?” He turned his gaze towards Seungmin who looked away to hide his disappointment. He focused on the glittering lights below them, a sparkling sea of orange and yellow and white.

“You’re such a…” he huffed as he searched for the word. “Such a realist.”

“Sorry,” Felix chuckled. When Seungmin looked at him and Felix noticed his forlorn expression, he pacified him with a kiss on his cheek.

“I know what you’re saying,” Seungmin nodded. “But I can’t help thinking about us. About where this is heading. But you know what’s better than imagining? Planning!” he grinned. “Why imagine what life will be like for us when we can plan for our future instead?” 

Felix leaned into him, still somewhat subdued. Come to think of it, he’d been behaving a bit peculiar since Seungmin had met him after football practice. 

“What’s bothering you? College applications?”

Felix had expressed his uncertainty over what to do after graduation. Unlike Seungmin’s parents, Felix’s mother hadn’t been pressuring him into applying for college, but Felix had still been applying, for lack of any other options. Seungmin had suggested applying to some of the same places as him, but Felix seemed to shut down and change the topic whenever he mentioned their future together. 

Felix stared down at their entwined hands, lips unconsciously drawn into a pout. Finally, he said, “It’s your first football game of the year tomorrow, right?” 

Seungmin nodded, “Yeah. That’s been bothering you?”

“I want to be there for you. To cheer for you, to support you.”

“Oh…” Seungmin began to chew on his lip. It was bad enough that Felix wanted to actually attend the game. The entire town would be there. And everyone knew who Felix was… And what he was. It was a bad idea. But if people saw Felix just looking at Seungmin for too long… No. It was out of the question. “I don’t think it’s a good idea—”

“I know,” Felix cut him off and turned his head to look away. “It’s impossible right now,” he told Seungmin. “I know that. I just wanted you to know, if I could be there I would.”

Seungmin glanced at him and could’ve sworn there was a tremble in Felix’s lower lip. Was he…? “Lix?” He placed a hand on Felix’s cheek, forcing the boy to look at him. Sure enough, Felix’s eyes were glassy. 

“I’m fine!” Felix reassured him, much too cheerily. “Really!” His smiled from ear to ear but it wasn’t genuine. He was upset about not being able to attend the game.

“You should come.” The words left Seungmin’s mouth before he could think to stop them. He hadn’t meant to actually… But he couldn’t bear that hurt expression on Felix’s face. 

It was a mistake. Seungmin should’ve downright told him not to come. He’d regretted it as soon as he ran out onto the field and saw Felix up in the bleachers. As if he had some kind of contagious disease, the space around him was void of people, even though the rest of the stadium was cramped for room.

He knew his parents were somewhere there too. But Felix… He could only think about Felix. He felt so tense that even when he tried to warm up, his muscles failed to loosen. He stood stoically waiting for the referee’s whistle. And the match began.

He tried to keep his eye on the ball, but his mind kept wandering to that lonely space on the bleachers. He wondered what they were saying to Felix, what they were doing to him. He should never have come.

“Seungmin, what the hell?” Daehwi yelled as the ball was dribbled away from him. He hadn’t even seen it coming his way.

He murmured an apology that probably wasn’t heard over the cheers from the crowd. They were loud, but not as deafening as his own thoughts. His brain – or was it his heart? –  _ screamed _ for him to search the bleachers for Felix. So just this once, he gave in and looked to the left, his eyes rapidly scanning the area until he found that spot.

Oh, no. Felix… He could make out a few of the guys inching closer and jeering at him. Of course the boy maintained that smile, his eyes fixed on the field. 

“The fuck is your problem, man?” One of his teammates shoved his shoulder, before running after the ball. This time, Seungmin wasn’t even sure what he’d missed. He needed to get his head in the game, but he couldn’t. Maybe he should just walk off, tell Coach Park he’s feeling sick. He glanced at the coach and saw a scowl, and decided to just play on.

He blinked when the whistle sounded. Half-time already? He’d lost track of time. He followed the team into the locker-room, aware that he was about to get hauled over the coals.

The coach turned on him as soon as they’d all gathered. “Seungmin, I don’t know what’s up with you, but you better shape up or stay off the field, you hear me?” Flushed with embarrassment, Seungmin listened to his words of admonishment, nodding where appropriate and waiting for it to end so he could tell the coach he didn’t want to play the rest of the match.

“Coach Park,” he finally said, ignoring the glares from his teammates, “I think I better sit this one out.”

Alone on the bleachers reserved for the coaching staff, Seungmin began to feel a fraction of what Felix might be feeling. It made him seethe with anger, his gaze concentrated on that part of the stadium. It was too far for him to make out exactly what was happening, but Felix was isolated enough for him to make out the shapes of the boys who sat around him. What were they saying? What were they doing? Why couldn’t Felix just leave?

He balled his fingers into fists, his gut twisting in apprehension, more so when he spotted his father striding towards him. Just what he fucking needed.

“Why aren’t you out there?” He’d come to the match dressed in the usual Waegwan supporters’ regalia. 

Seungmin inwardly sighed, choosing not to look up at the towering man. “I felt sick.” It should suffice as explanation.

It didn’t.

“Look at me.”

Seungmin obliged, glad that no one was in close proximity to bear witness to the incoming humiliation. 

“You’ve been slipping up, Seungmin,” his father began, his eyes bulging in that way they did when he was trying and failing to keep his temper in check. “First that B on your assignment” —It was a Creative Writing assignment and he sucked at the subject, for fuck’s sakes— “and then missing dinner almost every night. Who knows where the hell you’ve been off to? Doing drugs? Drinking alcohol? And now you do this!” You’d have thought Seungmin just robbed a bank.

“Dad,” Seungmin frowned and leapt to his feet, startled that his parents thought he was into drugs and alcohol just because he missed dinner almost every night. Fine, he could see how something like that would raise suspicion. But still, they knew him… Kind of. “I’m not doing drugs or alcohol. I swear.”

“Well, I don’t know what it is,” his father waved his hands in frustration, “but I better see some improvement.” The ‘or else’ remained unspoken but it was there. He knew they’d threaten to ground him, cut off internet access, take his phone away, carry out every torturous punishment ever invented for a teenager.

But he couldn’t let that happen. He’d never get to speak to Felix, let alone spend any time with him. “I – It’ll get better.”

Waegwan High won the match, 2-1. Lucky, otherwise Seungmin would have to bear his teammates’ sullen moods and listen to another lecture from the coach. Usually, the team went out to the pizzeria after every match. But today, Seungmin declined, lying that his parents had plans for a family dinner. 

He’d actually arranged to meet Felix at their hiking trail.

The stadium was emptying out now but more than half of the students lingered, socializing with each other and trying to get photos with the team. Seungmin walked away from the mayhem, glad to see Jisung running towards him. 

“You okay?” He looked worried. “Heard you were sick.”

“I’m good, I’m good,” Seungmin reassured his best friend. “Just had a small headache.” And Jisung took that as his cue to launch into a review of the game as if Seungmin hadn’t been there for it. “Sung, I need to catch up with the team. Call you later?”

Jisung nodded, having long ago made the decision to stay away from obnoxiousness of the football team and forgo being Seungmin’s plus one at the pizzeria. “Catch you later!” He raised his hand to give Seungmin a high five.

But Seungmin was preoccupied with the bleachers and the altercation that had broken out. Felix had obviously been about to leave but had been stopped by one of the other boys. The boy’s face twisted into a sneer and he spat a glob of saliva at Felix.

Seungmin snapped. 

He reached the bleachers in quick strides and shoved the boy backward. Several of the students stopped to watch the chaos, their cell phones out to record the incident. 

“What’s your fucking problem, dude?” the boy asked. Seungmin recognized him as Mihyun, one of the school’s notorious assholes.

“What’s  _ your _ problem?” Seungmin countered, shoving the boy backward again. He felt a hand on his shoulder. Felix. 

“Seungmin, wait,” Felix tried to interrupt but Seungmin shook his hand off.

“You losers better leave Felix alone,” he warned through gritted teeth. 

“Seungmin, come on,” Jisung was at his side, trying to pull him away. “What are you doing?”

Seungmin held out a hand to silence him and turned back to Mihyun who bellowed out a laugh. “You really defending the gay boy? You must be kidding. Unless you’re also g–”

Seungmin swung his fist, aiming for Mihyun’s jaw and ending up splitting the boy’s lip open. He stared in surprise, looking at his fist like it was foreign to him. He’d never done this before. He’d never gotten into a fight, not even a verbal confrontation. 

The spectators also seemed speechless, their excited chatter melting into a shocked silence. Mihyun touched his lip and winced, his eyes going wide at the blood. “What the…”

Realizing that he’d fucked up, Seungmin turned on his heel, pushing through the crowd. He wanted to be alone. And anyway, no one came after him.


	10. Past

“Lix?” 

Felix looked away from the star studded sky and his eyes settled on Seungmin. “I was wondering whether you’d still come.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Seungmin admitted, flopping down beside him. He’d been close by, just walking by himself through one of the other trails. But he’d found himself missing Felix, wondering whether he’d been waiting for Seungmin.

“What was that back there, Seungmin?”

Seungmin furrowed his brows, gaping slightly at Felix’s tone. He sounded almost… angry? “What do you mean? I was defending you. I was –”

“Did I ask you to do any of that?”

What the hell? He really was angry at Seungmin. “Did you expect me to just sit around while idiots spat at my boyfriend?”

“Your boyfriend,” Felix scowled, refusing to look at him, “was happy to ignore those idiots.” Seungmin opened his mouth to argue but Felix continued. “People will always talk, always disapprove, always be assholes about the things they don’t understand or like. You can’t go around punching everyone.”

Seungmin felt a flush creep up his neck, embarrassed that Felix was actually admonishing him. And soon, his anger began to flare. How could Felix make him out to be some hot tempered fool who went around hitting people? That wasn’t who he was! “I did nothing wrong,” he tried to reel in his anger. “I saw my boyfriend being insulted and I acted on it. And anyway,” he knew this was going to sound petty but he said it anyway, “I did say it was a bad idea for you to come to the game. If you’d just listened to me… I’m going to be in a shitload of trouble when I get home, and even more when I get to school on Monday. And now you’re giving me this shit –”

“I can’t believe you,” a muscle twitched in Felix’s jaw as he rose to his feet. “You’re the one who acted out and the blame gets shoved onto  _ me _ . You know what, Seungmin?” He narrowed his eyes at Seungmin who gave him a stony glare in return. “This whole thing was a mistake. We tried, didn’t we? I guess we know now that it’ll never work. Not when you’re such an asshole.”

Seungmin let him leave, ignoring the ache in his chest at seeing Felix walk away from him. Felix was right about everything – they had tried, it wasn’t working, and yes, Seungmin was an asshole. 

He regretted letting Felix leave as soon as the boy was out of his sight. He chewed on his lip for a stupidly long minute before taking off after him.

“Felix, wait!”

He stumbled down the trail, tripping over a tree root and smacking into Felix who yelped in surprise. He reached out an arm to steady them both, his eyes wide as he surveyed Seungmin. “What are you–”

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin blurted. “I didn’t think. I saw them bothering you throughout the game and my anger just kept building and I… Try to understand,” he muttered, looking down at his feet. “I’m not even out yet. I don’t know how to react in situations like that. I don’t know how to deal with the assholes. I’m not as brave as you. I don’t know how to walk away from hurtful situations. I’m petty and childish and vindictive. I hurt the people who hurt me. And when I saw them trying to hurt you, it hurt me. So I – I wanted to hurt them back.” He bit the inside of his cheek aware of how stupid that sounded. 

“Hey…” 

Seungmin flinched when he felt cold hands cup his cheeks and he didn’t resist when Felix drew him closer so that tips of their noses brushed together. No birds flapping around in his stomach, and thankfully no sirens going off in his head this time because it was a given that Seungmin didn’t listen to warnings anymore. He looked down into Felix’s wide eyes, feeling a spasm of relief at the soft smile on his face. “Yeah?” 

“You  _ are _ brave, Seungmin,” Felix whispered against his lips. “You’re here with me right now and that makes you brave. It was silly of me to forget that this is new to you. I mean, this relationship is new to both of us. But you’re just coming to terms with who you are and I forgot what that felt like. And I’m sorry for that.”

“Ssh,” Seungmin quietened him. “No more apologies. Let’s just…”

“Just what?”

Seungmin smiled and connected their lips. Kisses would solve everything, wouldn’t they?

Kissing didn’t solve everything, Seungmin realized, but they provided a great distraction. That said, it was a bit difficult for Seungmin to kiss Felix when he was grounded.

After the fiasco at the game, news had traveled (of course it did – this was Waegwan). Seungmin’s parents had been furious. His father had come down on him especially hard, considering the scolding he’d given him at the game, just before Seungmin had gotten into the fight. To school and back home, was the new rule. And although Seungmin had attempted to argue against it, his suspension from the football team had only made matters worse.

He and Felix had to resort to risk-taking behavior in order to meet. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, wincing as a broom in the storage closet wacked Felix across the back of his shoulder.

The boy laughed silently. “It’s fine. But are you sure no one comes up here?”

Seungmin nodded, gently rubbing Felix’s shoulder. They were in the storage closet just south of the library entrance. “They only clean the library after school hours,” he explained. “We’re good here.”

“And um…” Felix worried at his lip. “Are you sure we should be missing History? We have that exam coming up and –”

“I missed you,” Seungmin said matter-of-factly, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy. “We only ever do this once a day and for like… thirty minutes. I miss going to the trail with you, hanging out in your room…” 

“And those chocolate ice cream kisses,” Felix murmured against his lips.

“Yeah?” Seungmin quirked a brow and slid down to the floor, taking Felix with him. He wondered at how Felix was able to fit so perfectly in his arms. “Well, I don’t think I could sneak a tub of ice cream into this closet but I suppose a chocolate bar wouldn’t be too difficult to hide,” he teased.

“Speaking of chocolate…” Felix hummed, leaning back against Seungmin’s chest, and Seungmin sensed something serious on his mind. “I heard about the senior prom’s theme.”

_ Charlie and the Chocolate Factory _ . Jisung, thriving in his position at the prom committee had snuck into Seungmin’s bedroom to tell him all about it (and to congratulate him on the ‘fucking good punch’ because ‘Minhyun is a total ass who deserved it’). 

“Do you have a date yet?”

Seungmin’s breath hitched, and he stared, wide-eyed. Was Felix asking him…? In all honesty, he’d been thinking about things a lot lately. Especially since the punching incident. There were only six months left until school ended. Six months and then he could leave this town and never look back. But he didn’t want to leave with everyone thinking he was someone he really wasn’t. He wanted them to know. In fact, he didn’t want to wait until the end of the year.

When Jisung had snuck into his bedroom to tell him about prom, it got him thinking. It would be the perfect opportunity…

But Felix had misinterpreted Seungmin’s expression as one of distaste. “I wasn’t going to ask you,” he huffed, sounding rather put off. “But I know you don’t have a date and I think you should go with someone. With a girl, I mean.”

Seungmin blinked, uncomprehending. Did Felix just ask him to attend prom  _ with a girl _ ? Here Seungmin was thinking about how he wanted to stop living a lie, and Felix was telling him to  _ continue _ that lie? Felix was honest and open and so unequivocally him, and it was something Seungmin had always admired. What Felix was asking of him now just didn’t make sense. 

“Look,” Felix began to explain, gesturing as widely as he could in the small space, “you’re the deputy school president and it’s an important rite of passage. Think about every teen movie you’ve ever seen. Isn’t prom that epic event that makes or breaks lives? Years from now, you’ll look back and regret not going.”

“Or maybe,” Seungmin began to argue, his temper flaring, “what I’ll actually regret is going to a dance pretending to enjoy myself with some girl while the boy that I love is at home in his pajamas.”

Felix wrangled himself out of Seungmin’s hold. He turned to look at Seungmin with wide eyes, his features overtaken with obvious shock. Seungmin couldn’t understand what he’d said to make the boy react that way. “Lix…”

Felix rose to his feet, his lips pursed, his chest steadily rising and falling beneath his sweater. And when he spoke, his voice had thickened with agitation, “I need to… I have to go.”

“Lix, wait – I – Can you tell me what I’ve done?” Seungmin lurched to his feet, starting after the boy but stopping short in his tracks when the bell sounded. “Later then, I guess,” he said to Felix’s back. 

But Felix didn’t show up to any of their other classes, and he didn’t meet Seungmin at any of their usual places. Seungmin tried to linger after school, but his mother was always prompt when fetching him from school and he couldn’t delay. With one foot in the car, he looked over his shoulder, scanning the front of the school one more time. Had he really upset Felix so badly that he’d skipped school? He still couldn’t think of what he’d said to upset him.

There was a feeling of unease swirling in Seungmin’s gut, and he found himself unable to touch his dinner, or open his book to study for that upcoming trigonometry test. He’d sent a million texts (alright, maybe not  _ exactly _ a million) to Felix but none of them had even been read. “Come on, Lix,” he sighed, his fingers massaging his temples. He glanced down at his phone again, and narrowed his eyes at the unread messages. “Fine,” he muttered. “Just fucking fine.”

Resolving not to look at his phone again, he flipped open his textbook. 

“You missed trig three times this week.”

Seungmin jumped in surprise, throwing his textbook into the air. “Jesus… Fuck, Jisung,” he glowered at his best friend. The brown haired boy peered at him from the window ledge, a lopsided grin on his face. But Seungmin could read his concern from the way his brows furrowed and his gaze swept over the objects strewn on the floor.

“I guess you haven’t been cleaning up lately too.”

“I’ve been busy,” Seungmin shrugged off his concern and flopped back down into his chair. “Just studying and stuff. Exams are coming up, right?” He stared pointedly at his book so he wouldn’t have to see the accusation in Jisung’s eyes.

“So you’ve been skipping trig… to study for trig?” Jisung sounded skeptical and Seungmin didn’t blame him. He knew how it looked from the outside. Skipping classes, missing deadlines, getting into that fight. And he hadn’t even been hanging out with Jisung lately. Most of his free time was spent finding a new place to meet Felix. “Look, man, if you wanna talk about anything…”

“Nah, I’m good,” Seungmin said quickly. Too quickly. He cleared his throat and offered Jisung a smile, “How’s the history term paper going?”

For a long minute, Jisung stared at him, his smile morphing into a frown. But he nodded, as if he understood. “It’s pretty shitty.”

With his shame and guilt weighing heavily on his shoulders, Seungmin turned back to his desk. He felt as shitty as Jisung’s history term paper. If he couldn’t come out to his best friend, how was he supposed to come out to everyone else?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm really grateful to everyone reading this 💞


	11. Present

When Seungmin woke, he immediately touched his fingers to his lips. Had he really kissed Hyunjin? He smiled to himself. It was a step in the right direction – no, he didn’t care about right or wrong anymore – it was a step in a  _ new _ direction, and it felt  _ good. _

There was a bounce in his step as he strode towards the vending machine. Jisung was already there, retrieving a handful of candy bars. He threw one to Seungmin. “You look… happy.” He seemed stunned, like it was something rare. Seungmin wondered how he’d looked on every other day then.

“I  _ am _ happy,” Seungmin admitted, tearing open the wrapper and taking a bite of the sickly sweet candy. He made a face and threw the half eaten bar back at Jisung. 

“So, you and Hyunjin, huh?” Jisung grinned, munching on Seungmin’s unfinished bar.

“How’d you even guess?” Seungmin flushed in embarrassment, his fingers curled around his nape.

“It was only a matter of time,” Jisung shrugged. “The guy is looking at you like you hung the stars.” He jerked a thumb towards the car park, where Seungmin saw with a start that Hyunjin was already leaning against the car, a smile plastered on his face as he waited for them. He gave Seungmin a wave which he sheepishly returned. “And you look at him like he’s the best thing since double cheese pizza.” 

“Shut up,” Seungmin shoved Jisung’s shoulder, unable to fight the smile forming on his lips.

He waited for Jisung to get into the car, before greeting Hyunjin with a soft, “Good morning.”

“G’morning,” Hyunjin chuckled, and to Seungmin’s surprise, leaned forward a little to brush his lips against the side of his head. “Should we get going?”

They smelled the salty sea on the breeze a good ten minutes before they entered into Myeongdam. The sky above was cloudless, just a thin layer of haze hanging over the sun. Although it was a Monday the streets teemed with people, most dressed in shorts and t-shirts, cameras and maps in their hands. And more than the street, the beach had drawn in a larger crowd.

They made their way along the promenade, confusion written over their faces. The postcard Minho showed them had been sent from  _ 629 Myeongdam Promenade _ . But so far, they had just passed storefronts, but no houses. And it was difficult trying to navigate their way around considering there were no house numbers like you’d find on a residential street. 

After asking several of the locals where  _ 629 Myeongdam Promenade _ was located, they had to eventually accept that the address led to a shop on the beach, pragmatically named  _ The Shop On The Beach,  _ that sold swimming accessories – swimsuits, surfboards, safety gear and everything else swimming-related (according to the handwritten signboard). It just didn’t make sense to Seungmin that Felix would use that address.

But the trio shrugged off their doubts and strode over to shop. As they approached, Seungmin’s eardrums began to thrum from the increasingly loud and vulgar heavy metal being blasted from two huge speakers situated on either side of the glass door. The entire store seemed to quake due to the booming noise.

“This is… unexpected,” Hyunjin grimaced, protectively placing an arm around Seungmin’s shoulders. He narrowed his eyes at the occupants – a group of young men huddled behind the counter. “I guess they don’t look that dangerous.”

Jisung snorted out a laugh. “Yeah, what gave it away? The Spongebob t-shirts maybe?”

Seungmin ignored the banter and led the way inside. He stopped just in front of the counter but apparently that wasn’t enough to get anyone’s attention. “Hello?” Realizing that the music drowned out his voice, he yelled, “Hello!” One of the guys looked up from his phone and shrugged before turning his gaze back to the device. 

“Great,” Seungmin mumbled, folding his arms over his chest. “Maybe we should just leave—”

He jumped in surprise when the door flew open and a flustered looking redhead rushed inside. “Jeez, I told you guys to watch the shop!”

“We were!” One of the guys pressed a few buttons on his laptop and the music volume halved. “No one stole anything!”

“Yeah, but they’re customers, Yonghee!” The redhead continued the shouting match.

“But they’re not  _ my _ customers,” the young man, Yonghee, raised an eyebrow, “and it’s not like you  _ had _ to leave. You were just busy with your latest catch,” he snickered when the redhead shot him daggers, his face as crimson as his hair. Yonghee winked at Seungmin, “Plenty fish in the sea in this part of the world. He can tell you all about that!”

“Okay, out, all of you!” The redhead pointed at the door, and the men filed out looking rather sullen. He cleared his throat, “Sorry. My friends are…” he gave them an apologetic smile, his dimples flashing. “Anyway, Welcome to  _ The Shop On The Beach _ ! I’m Jeongin, here to help however I can! We have a few swimsuits on sale today.”

Despite the frustration caused by the situation, Seungmin found himself smiling. “It’s alright. I’m looking for someone. Um, Lee Yongbok,” he decided to use the name that everyone else seemed to know. 

But Jeongin gave him a blank stare. “Never heard of a Yongbok. Have you tried the bookstore? Yongbok sounds like a bookstore kind of guy.” And Seungmin didn’t exactly disagree with that.

Hyunjin stepped up, showing them the picture he’d taken of Minho’s postcard. “He sent it from this address.”

“But how…?” the redhead seemed confused, the cogs in his brain turning as he stared up at the ceiling. When he looked at them again, his eyes were wide. “Um, do you… Do you mean Lee Felix?”

Jisung face-palmed. “Can’t the guy settle for  _ one _ name? He on the run from the law or something? He ever stole anything from you, Seungmin?”

“Yeah,” Seungmin muttered. “My peace of mind.”

“Seungmin?” Jeongin narrowed his eyes. “Are you Kim Seungmin?” 

Seungmin did a double take and it took a second for the questions to begin tumbling out of his mouth, “How’d you know my name? And how do you know Felix? Where is he?”

Jeongin didn’t seem in a hurry to answer. He scratched the back of his head, “Which uh – which of those should I answer first?”

“How do you know Felix?” Seungmin asked again, at the same time that Hyunjin asked, “How do you know who Seungmin is?” and Jisung threatened, “Gimme Felix’s address or else…”

Jeongin gave them an exasperated look and dragged out a few stacked chairs from behind the counter. He sat on one and gestured for them to seat themselves. Choosing to ignore Hyunjin and Jisung, he addressed Seungmin, “You want to know how I met Lix? Well, the day I met him…” his lips curved into a fond smile, “Ah, shit, it was raining cats and dogs that evening! Guy was soaking wet, knocking on my shop door. I was about to close up and head over to the bar, meet up with a few friends. There’s a great bar just across from here. Free burgers on Friday. You should check it out—”

Hyunjin cleared his throat impatiently. “So about Felix?”

“Ah yeah,” Jeongin sighed and scratched the side of his head. “I couldn’t just leave him out there in the rain. I had a good upbringing, okay? So I let him in. He said he didn’t know where he was heading but he was just passing through Myeongdam. Said he hadn’t made any reservations anywhere and everywhere was full of tourists. Imagine coming into Myeongdam and not making any reservations,” Jeongin laughed and gave a slight shake of the head. “What the fuck did he expect, man? I told him that too. Myeongdam is party central especially in the holidays. I guess I felt bad too because I let him stay in the store room back there,” he gestured over his shoulder. “Next morning he asked if he could have a job here. Said he’d decided to stay.”

“Hold up,” Jisung held out a hand, “let me guess what happened next. You fell in love with him and he packed up and hit the road one night without even saying goodbye.” Seungmin shot Jisung a look of warning, even though he too had his suspicions about what had happened. Considering Felix’s track record…

“Actually, no,” Jeongin scowled and the trio shrunk back from his glare. “Can you let me finish?”

“Let him finish,” Hyunjin urged, listening attentively. 

Satisfied, Jeongin cleared his throat, and to Seungmin’s surprise, a faint blush began to creep into the redhead’s cheeks. “So we weren’t really  _ dating _ ,” he cast an annoyed glance in Jisung’s direction. “But we did kind of uh…” he picked at the rips on his jeans, his gaze fixed downward, “I mean, I didn’t want a relationship. I was just a year out of high school and dad was just talking about signing over the shop to me. My first big responsibility. I already fucked up my grades and I didn’t wanna fuck up my chance to prove myself. And I already kind of was by letting Felix move into the store room without getting permission. Sneaking him in and out was a pain in the ass. Anyway, Lix didn’t want a relationship either. So we uh… Well, we were attracted to each other, obviously, and we decided to…” He trailed off, obviously embarrassed.

“Decided to do the hanky-panky?” Jisung offered. Hyunjin burst out laughing and Seungmin had to cover his face with his hands, feeling the secondhand embarrassment.

But Jeongin nodded, his expression serious, “Yep. It was just that though. We were friends who helped each other out every now and then… for three years.”

Three years? At this point, Seungmin didn’t even feel bitter about Felix being with other people. But he did feel bitter that he’d wasted all this time hung up over someone who clearly hadn’t cared about him that much. 

“So he didn’t run away?” Hyunjin enquired, still struggling to recover from his laughter.

Jeongin’s brows snapped together, “No, of course not. Why would he run away? He told me he was leaving.” He looked at Seungmin when he said, “Actually, he said he was going to find  _ you _ .” 

“Me?” Seungmin’s breath hitched. “He – he…?” His stomach knotted at the thought that Felix may be out there looking for  _ him _ .

“Yeah,” Jeongin frowned, and Seungmin sensed for the first time, some bitterness in his voice. “Said he left things  _ unfinished _ with you. That it haunted him. Kept him awake at night. He wanted to fix things.”

Beside Seungmin, he could feel Hyunjin’s body begin to tense and he understood why. He gave Hyunjin’s hand a reassuring squeeze. Just because Felix had gone looking for him, it didn’t change things. It didn’t change that he’d left Seungmin in the lurch, that he’d broken his heart. And it didn’t change how Seungmin felt about Hyunjin. 

“But where?” Seungmin asked. “Where did he go?” Like Felix, Seungmin hadn’t been keen on social media, and he doubted a web search would pull up anything on him.

“I think he said…” Jeongin began to hum, “Some place called Waegwan?” 

“Waegwan…” Seungmin felt a bout of nausea take hold of him, his insides twisting.  _ Waegwan _ . He swore he’d never go back there. Never again. 

“How long ago was this?” Jisung questioned, already rising to his feet.

Jeongin shrugged seeming unsure. “Maybe… two years back?”

Two years ago. That was a long time ago. Had Felix stopped looking since then? Was he still out there looking for Seungmin?

“But you must have a number for him! And you probably know where he is now!” Hyunjin smiled, eyes brimming with hope. “Right?”

Jeongin pursed his lips and slid his phone out of his pocket. “I have a number. Haven’t used it since I texted to ask whether he reached Waegwan safely. You’re welcome to take it.”

“So you haven’t kept in contact?” Seungmin cocked his head to the side while Jisung copied the number into his phone. “I thought… I thought you both parted on good terms.”

But the look on Jeongin’s face told him that he was wrong. The redhead poked his tongue into his cheek, his head bowed. “Not really,” he finally said. “I think…” he sighed. “I’m the one who made him leave. I asked whether he wanted to go steady, be my boyfriend. He told me he couldn’t. That he’d end up ruining things. I guess I spooked him. That’s when he said he was leaving to look for you. I thought maybe he’d come back. And I waited. But I didn’t even get one text from him. So I just… moved on as best as I could.”

Seungmin understood where the bitterness came from now. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. If Felix hadn’t left to look for him…

“Not your fault,” Jeongin shrugged off the apology. “Who was I kidding?” he let out a humorless chuckle. “I’m not made for relationships anyway. I guess it’s why I gravitate towards those casual flings. Never run out of tourists in Myeongdam,” he gave Seungmin a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Hey,” Seungmin frowned, shifting his chair closer to the redhead. “I used to think the same after – after Felix. But then…” he gave Hyunjin a sideways glance. “Someone came along and proved me wrong. Just keep an open mind, yeah?”

Jeongin nodded, but Seungmin knew it’d take time. After all, it took him eight years.


	12. Past

What’s the worst thing that could happen to you in your senior year? If you asked Seungmin a few months ago, he would’ve said something stupid like failing math. But now, losing Felix was right at the top of that list. Why care about failing math when his first serious relationship had failed? 

Felix had made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with Seungmin. He blocked Seungmin’s number, avoided him in the school hallways, never made eye contact in class and was gone before the bell had even finished sounding. 

What had he done that was so wrong? It was a question that kept Seungmin up at night, made him twist and turn restlessly in bed, and one night, it forced him to clamber out of his window and make his way to Felix’s house. It was ridiculous that he was so messed up because of a five month relationship. He knew people said that high school romances were trivial, that less than one percent of high school relationships worked out, but this – what he had with Felix – felt like the be all and end all of his life. Every decision seemed to hinge on this one relationship. 

The only thing that held the pieces of Seungmin’s heart together was his anger towards Felix. Anger that prevented him from giving up until he got answers. How could he just pretend that there had been nothing between them? If he was going to break up with Seungmin, he wanted Felix to do it properly, and most of all – he wanted to know why.

For the first time, he’d been ready and willing to confront who he really was, to show everyone the part of him he’d kept hidden. But without Felix at his side that bravado had evaporated as if that too had been just a dream. 

Miss Lee greeted him with a surprised smile, her eyes widening in a way that was devastatingly reminiscent of Felix. The woman cast a nervous look over her shoulder. “Lix isn’t here,” And it couldn’t be more obvious that she was lying. The number one marker of that lie was the flutter of Felix’s curtain that Seungmin had spotted when he walked down the driveway. 

Seungmin nodded, jamming his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “Can you tell him I came by? Tell him that I…” He had to take a deep breath as he thought about what exactly he wanted Felix to know. “Tell him I miss him.” Because as angry as Seungmin was, he missed Felix even more. And if Felix came downstairs right at that minute and threw his arms around Seungmin, the anger wouldn’t even matter anymore. 

Weeks later, Seungmin still wondered whether Miss Lee had given Felix her message. Because nothing had changed. He was on his way to prom but he couldn’t help glancing at his phone, just to make sure…

He’d refused to take a date to prom. If it couldn’t be Felix, he didn’t want anyone else. He wasn’t going to pretend that it was the happiest day of senior year, and he wasn’t going to walk into the hall with some random girl’s arm linked through his own. Jisung had tried to persuade him (“It’s for the photos, dude!”) and his mother had made vague comments about how strange it’ll look for the deputy school president to not have a date (“In my day, the deputy school president would’ve had to take a date!”). But Seungmin wasn’t moved.

At the entrance to the hall, Seungmin paused barely long enough for the photographer to get a snap of him. He’d anticipated the stunned expressions as he strode into the festivities alone. But he ignored them as he searched the space for Jisung, eager for the comfort of his jokes and his goofy laughter. Jisung seemed like the only genuine person in the entire town. 

He assumed his recent escapades – being kicked off the football team, being put in remedial classes because of his low grades, and that stupid fight with Mihyun – would result in him being shunned by the entire school, but on the contrary, the students seemed to rally around him, hailing him as some kind of cool rebel kid. He wasn’t any of that. And he didn’t want the popularity – not that kind. 

“Any idea how to remove lipstick off a white collar?” Jisung appeared at Seungmin’s side, rubbing a tissue ferociously against his collar. “Jiu’s lipstick is…”

“Jiu?” Seungmin raised an eyebrow and swiped Jisung’s drink from his hand. “I thought her cousin was your date?” He scrunched his nose at the sour taste. Of course it was spiked. 

Jisung gave him a devilish grin. “She is. Must’ve slipped my mind. And that,” he wrenched the plastic cup from Seungmin’s grip, “has too much whatever-the-fuck-they-put-in-the-punch. I’m already buzzed.”

Seungmin rolled his eyes but smiled despite himself. And for lack of anything better to do, he grabbed a plastic cup full of punch from the table beside them, hoping that it had too much of the whatever-the-fuck-they-put-in-the-punch. At least the night wasn’t going to be completely boring. 

For the next few minutes, Seungmin stood idly by, dismissing Jisung’s offer to linger at his side. Just because Seungmin couldn’t enjoy himself, and because the smell of chocolate spewing from the fountains had become slightly nauseating, there was no need to pull Jisung onto the sidelines with him. Seungmin was surprised and somewhat alarmed by the principal’s approaching figure. He downed the rest of his punch and looked for a quick exit, but wasn’t quick enough.

“Kim Seungmin,” the principal looked somewhat flustered, the way he always did when he was placed in an unsettling situation – like when someone (Jisung) spray painted graffiti outside his office, or when someone (Jisung) snuck wasabi into his sandwich. 

Seungmin inwardly groaned but offered the principal a curt nod. He shifted from foot to foot, bracing himself for whatever he was going to be tasked with.

“I’m afraid Daehwi has gotten himself into a bit of a situation.”

“Oh?” Seungmin blinked in surprise. 

“You see,” the principal scratched his balding head, “he’s a bit indisposed. Too much punch, I assume.” He eyed the plastic cup that Seungmin attempted to get rid of. “But it’s customary for the school president to open the dance floor with a little speech. And since Daehwi isn’t in any state to use both his feet, and you’re the deputy school president…” he looked at Seungmin with raised eyebrows.

Seungmin blanched. “Principal Ju, I – I don’t think I… I mean, I don’t even have anything prepared and I can’t just –”

“Well, I’ll give you a few minutes to prepare then,” Principal Ju nodded as if they were both in agreement.

“Shit,” Seungmin muttered when he was out of earshot. He wondered whether a ‘Welcome, you can get your asses on the dance floor now’ would suffice. 

He stood on the podium, facing nearly sixty of his fellow seniors as well as the members of staff. “Um…” He was good at public speaking, really! But not when he was put on the spot. And not when he felt like shit. He licked his lower lip, his mouth suddenly feeling dry.

And then he saw him.

_ Felix _ . At prom?! He stood at the back, looking like a scene out of a movie, dressed in a white suit, surrounded by the artificial vines of pink, white and blue roses and fairy-lights creeping along the walls. Several others began to notice Felix’s presence, and then the pointing and whispering started. As usual, Felix ignored them all.

But Seungmin…

He clenched his fists at his side, aware that while half the room was preoccupied with making Felix’s life hell, the other half was waiting for Seungmin’s speech. But Seungmin looked past them, past the expectant gaze of the staff, past Jisung’s grin, past his classmates chatter. He could only see Felix’s clenched jaw, and the flush slowly creeping up his neck as the whispers grew louder, some not even bothering to whisper anymore.

_ Not again _ , Seungmin reminded himself,  _ you can’t mess up again.  _ He was in enough shit. He didn’t need to –

Someone splashed pink punch onto Felix’s jacket. And that was the last straw for Seungmin.

Sparks of anger shot through Seungmin’s veins and he hopped off the podium. He tore through the crowd, ignoring the angry murmurs as he shoved people aside. He could hear several teachers try to push their way through behind him. “What the fuck is wrong with you all?” His body trembled with anger as he wrenched the culprit aside by his collar.

The boy, Sejun, shook his head in disbelief, lips curling into a sly smile. “So concerned about the gay boy, huh?”

“Yeah,” Seungmin spat, “because that gay boy is my  _ boyfriend _ .”

He hadn’t meant to do it like this. Hadn’t planned for it to happen this way. He wasn’t supposed to be slamming someone against the wall, he wasn’t supposed to be socking someone’s jaw, he wasn’t supposed to be shoving Jisung away from him, he wasn’t supposed to be chasing after Felix.

Felix wasn’t supposed to be running away from him.

“Felix, just wait!” He ran into the wall of cold air outside but still felt hot and uncomfortable under his clothes. “C’mon, please!”

Felix slowed to a stop, staggering slightly as his feet caught in the grass. “I need to go, Seungmin,” he panted. “I need to – no,” he held out a hand, stopping Seungmin from getting any closer. “I need to be alone, okay?”

Seungmin’s shoulders slumped, mouth hanging open lightly. “Lix, you heard me back there. I – I just came out,” his voice broke as the daunting reality of what he’d just done began to set in. “I can’t – I need – need you. I came out,” he repeated in a whisper, more to himself than to Felix. He still couldn’t believe it happened that way.

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“What?” Seungmin registered the coldness in Felix’s voice before he registered his words. “I – I know you didn’t. I don’t understand why you’re upset.”

Felix pursed his lips, hands wrapped around himself like  _ he _ was the one who needed comfort. Seungmin was the one who felt weak and unsteady, like the ground was slipping away from him. He could do with a firm hand, with the safety of someone’s arms around him.

“I didn’t ask for any of this.”

Seungmin watched as Felix turned away. A weight settled on his heart and sorrow closed up his throat, preventing him from calling out to Felix. Perhaps he knew that even if he did, Felix would not look back, would not tell him why he was breaking his heart, would not tell him what he’d done to deserve this. 

“Well,” Jisung placed an arm around Seungmin’s shoulders, “what an asshole.”

Seungmin looked at him in surprise, his eyes flicking to Jisung’s hand and back to the nonchalant expression on his face. “Do you…?” He didn’t know how to ask. He didn’t know what to expect from Jisung. And even though his gut feeling told him that Jisung was different from everyone else in this town, he had to ask, “You heard me back there, right? That I’m… That I’m gay.” 

Jisung studied him, head cocked slightly to the side. “You’re Kim Seungmin, my best dude. And I wish you told me sooner but it is what it is, man.” Seungmin opened his mouth, trying to conjure some kind of response, but Jisung slapped his shoulder. “C’mon. It’s freezing out here. And that’s the lamest prom party I’ve ever been to,” he said, knowing very well that neither of them had ever been to a prom party before. “Wanna stay over tonight? I have that new game…”

Seungmin woke up in a pile of blankets in front of the TV in Jisung’s bedroom. Beside him, Jisung was still softly snoring. Seungmin attempted to put on his shoes as quietly as possible, not because Jisung’s beauty sleep was a priority, but because he didn’t want Jisung to question where he was off to at 7am on a cold Saturday morning.

The street was quiet, except for the occasional dog barking every now and then. He reached Felix’s house in under ten minutes, slightly out of breath because of how fast he’d been walking. 

He knocked thrice and stood back, waiting. He knew he was probably going to be waking up Felix’s mother, but…

Oh.

When the door swung open, Miss Lee looked wide awake. But something wasn’t right. Her forehead creased and mouth twisted into a frown when she set sight on Seungmin. 

“Miss Lee, I’m sorry to come by this early,” Seungmin began, “but I really need to talk to –”

“He’s not here,” she interrupted, ending in a heavy sigh. 

Seungmin shook his head at the lie. “Miss Lee, please. Just let me see him.”

“He’s not here,” she said, her gaze filled with sympathy. “He really isn’t. He took the 6:30 train.”

“What?” Seungmin furrowed his brows, a knot in his stomach beginning to tighten. “What train? Where’s he going? When will he be back?”

Miss Lee, clutched the doorframe with both hands, and shrugged. “I’m sorry, Seungmin. He isn’t coming back. He’s gone back to Sacheon. And as a matter of fact, I’ll be moving back too by the end of today. You know, we came here for a new start, a better start, after…” She gulped. “I think you’re aware that Felix and I didn’t exactly fit in around here. I think moving here was a mistake for both of us,” she finished.

She made to close the door but Seungmin held out a hand, “I need to  _ talk _ to him. I need to at least know why… What I did.” It was embarrassing saying all this to Felix’s mother, but what choice did he have now? “Please. He can’t just leave without an explanation.”

“I don’t think Felix wants to talk to you. I  _ am _ sorry, Seungmin,” Miss Lee repeated her apology, not offering anything else before slamming the door shut. 

Seungmin slunk down onto the porch step, his head in his hands. One outburst last night had changed everything for him. No one in town was going to look at him the same way. Overnight, he’d become an outcast. And Felix wasn’t going to be there at his side, proudly holding his hand like he’d imagined.

Nothing was going to happen the way he’d imagined it would. Because life wasn’t a fairy tale, and his wasn’t meant to have a happy ending. 


	13. Present

“I’m not going back there.”

The number Jeongin gave them had turned out to be a dead-end. Out of service. 

“It’s worth a try—”

“No, Sung!” Seungmin whirled on Jisung, nostrils flaring. “I’ve had  _ enough _ . We’ve done enough! I’m done wasting our time and money and putting all this effort into finding him. He’s not worth all that.”

“He’s not,” Hyunjin said softly, hands resting back on the sand, propping himself upright. “But your peace of mind is worth all of it.”

“You don’t understand,” Seungmin kicked a cloud of sand upward, causing a few tourists to look away from the waves and ogle at him. “That place – it’s… Look,” he sighed, “Felix went to Waegwan  _ two years ago _ to look for me. He’s obviously moved on to someplace else.”

“But someone in Waegwan will know,” Jisung shrugged, the remnants of his ice-cream running down between his fingers. “You know that town. They’ll notice and remember anything and anyone out of the ordinary. And then, Felix would’ve been no stranger to them.”

Seungmin pressed his lips together, his hands on his hips as he considered this. He shook his head. “I’m not going back there,” he repeated. After Felix left him, life in that small town had been nothing short of a nightmare. The townspeople made his life miserable. And not just  _ his _ life; his parents had to bear the humiliation too. After high school, Seungmin went off to university, promising himself he’d never return to the town. Even his parents had felt compelled to move away, his father starting some business venture in Incheon.

“It’ll be our last stop,” Hyunjin coaxed, on his feet now and dusting the sand off his jeans. “One last stop.” 

“I know why you don’t want to go back there,” Jisung placed his clean hand on Seungmin’s shoulder. “I lived there too. I was there.”

Seungmin offered him a small smile, “I don’t think I could’ve made it if you  _ weren’t _ there, Sung.” Jisung had stood by his side through it all. Even when his parents had grounded him for it on multiple occasions, Jisung was unmoved. Even when no one sat at their table for lunch, when people jeered at them, calling them names, when teachers refused to look at them, Jisung hadn’t deserted him. 

Now, Jisung pulled him into a hug. “Let’s do it,” he whispered. “One last visit to Waegwan. Don’t you think it’s only fitting that it finishes where it started?”

And so Seungmin found himself being carted off to the last place he’d expected to visit – Waegwan. They’d taken turns driving so that they could reach by nightfall, and as a means to stay awake, they used a CD Jeongin had given them. It turned out that Jeongin and his buddies were in a heavy metal garage band (that accounted for the music being blasted in his little shop).

Seungmin was shaken awake after what felt like moments after he’d fallen asleep. “What…?”

“We’re here,” Jisung said, the uncertainty in his voice causing Seungmin to shoot upright in the backseat. 

He blinked away the remnants of his sleep and stifled a yawn. “What’s wr – oh.” He gawked at their surroundings. “Are you sure this is… What time is it?”

Jisung had pulled over to the side just inside what seemed to be the old town center, except the little statue and fountain at the center were missing. People streamed past the car, chatting, laughing and jostling each other on the sidewalk. Seungmin was quick to notice a woman with bright magenta colored hair walking beside a tall man whose piercings caught the light of the lanterns hanging from the wires that crisscrossed across the street. The whole setup created a lovely small town aesthetic that Seungmin paused to admire. Yeah, this was definitely not the Waegwan he knew; that monster was never this charming.

“It’s just past 8pm,” Jisung told him, his eyes as wide as saucers as he too took in the sights.

Just after 8pm… That alone made no sense. Seungmin remembered how Waegwan used to feel like a ghost town after 7pm, not a soul in sight as if they’d lived by an unspoken curfew. Nope, this couldn’t be Waegwan.

But then… Wasn’t that the ice-cream parlor? Its walls were still a peachy pink, the large logo – their signature butterscotch cone with vanilla ice-cream and a cherry on top – on the glass display. And beside it was the pizzeria, but the wooden sign hanging above the door had been replaced with one of those flashing ones, the kind that flashed red then blue then green and stuttered a bit before starting again. The pet store beside it was definitely new and… no fucking way – was that an actual  _ tattoo _ shop? Seungmin ogled at the mesh of old and new in the town center. It was Waegwan, but not the Waegwan they’d grown up in. 

“Let’s go,” Jisung nodded, probably having made up his mind that he hadn’t taken a wrong turn and ended up someplace else.

They’d planned on checking into  _ Sally’s _ , the only bed ‘n breakfast that they remembered, and getting a fresh start in the morning. But the little establishment seemed to have experienced quite the upgrade. For one, it was no longer called  _ Sally’s _ ; instead the elegant golden letters above the entrance spelled out,  _ The Sally _ . The house had been renovated into a three floor building with a small swimming pool out front. 

“Is something wrong?” Hyunjin asked, probably baffled about why Seungmin and Jisung were staring slack-jawed at a swimming pool that was below mediocre for someone city-born like Hyunjin.

“Just a lot of changes,” Seungmin muttered, leading the way inside.

He didn’t know whether he was more relieved or disappointed to find the owner, Sally, at the front desk. The grey streaks in her hair were suggestive of her age. She gave no indication that she recognized Seungmin or Jisung. And as they made their way up to their rooms, Seungmin saw her gaze linger a bit too long on his and Hyunjin’s intertwined hands. It was a sad reminder that the appearance of the town may have changed but the mindset of the people who lived in it was just the same. The old cowardly Seungmin nearly made a reappearance, screaming at him to move away from Hyunjin. It took a few deep breaths and a self-proclamation that he would never put on his old mask again, to get rid of that cowardly boy.

Later that night, Seungmin slipped out of bed, unable to fall asleep. There was a restlessness that had settled inside his chest. What would they find when they went retracing Felix’s steps in the morning? A bunch of hostile townspeople? Would they be turned away?

He opened his window to let in the cool breeze and planted his elbows on the window ledge, leaning over to get a good view of the street below. At around 10pm, things had considerably quieted down, with only a few stragglers here and there, a small group just leaving the tattoo store, a lone jogger dressed in slacks and a hoodie, moving along at a steady pace, a few teens hanging back on the sidewalk, hugging each other and saying goodbye, a woman trying to hush a screaming toddler as she crossed over to her car.

The breeze that had felt refreshing a moment ago began to penetrate the thin fabric of his t-shirt. “Ahh-choo!” he sneezed, deciding that it was time to get back into bed. The last thing he needed was a cold. Before he could shut the window he sneezed again, this time attracting the attention of the jogger passing just below.

The man looked up, a look of surprise registering on his face as he came to a halt. It took Seungmin a few seconds to realize who it was. He gaped, “Daehwi?”

Daehwi raised a hand, lips forming a hesitant smile. His eyes flickered to the doors of  _ The Sally _ , and back at Seungmin. He pointed at himself and then at the doors. He whisper-shouted, “Should I…?”

Seungmin was taken aback that Daehwi would even want to speak with him. He figured their awkward window greeting would be fine, but apparently not. Not knowing Sally’s policy on visitors he signaled that he’d meet Daehwi outside. Out of all the people Seungmin had anticipated seeing, Daehwi had been close to last on the list. 

“Hey,” Seungmin greeted, feeling incredibly self-conscious in his slacks and old Mickey Mouse t-shirt. He resisted the urge to begin bragging about all his achievements at university to make up for the unimpressive outfit. “Didn’t think you’d still be here,” he said, reddening slightly when he realized how rude that sounded. So he added, “I mean, I didn’t think people liked it here.” That didn’t sound much better so he decided to keep his mouth shut.

Daehwi didn’t seem bothered. “Yeah, I moved away for my studies,” he shrugged, hands in the pockets of his hoodie. “Settled down here though. Can’t forget my Waegwan roots,” he smiled (and not sneered) at Seungmin for the very first time. Well, there was a first time for everything, he supposed. “What about you? Just visiting?” he furrowed his brows. “But your parents moved away, right?”

Seungmin pursed his lips, unable to keep the awful memories from infiltrating once more. He knew that for once, Daehwi didn’t mean any harm, but Seungmin really didn’t need a reminder that for half of his senior year Daehwi and his cronies treated Seungmin worse than scum. “I’m actually here with Jisung. Just to, uh…” he debated whether or not to tell Daehwi why he was there. Years ago, Daehwi had made it clear that he was disgusted by Seungmin’s sexuality. Even though he didn’t seem hostile now…

Daehwi’s eyes widened, “Oh, man, you’re probably here to visit  _ him _ ! Right?”

Seungmin blinked. “What? Who are you talking about?”

“Felix,” Daehwi shrugged and gave him a wry smile. “Can’t think of anyone else you’d be visiting around here.”

_ Felix _ .  _ Here _ .

“You okay?” Daehwi took a step forward, looking at Seungmin with concern.

Felix. Here in Waegwan.

“Seungmin, you don’t look so good. Maybe—”

“Is he really here?” Seungmin asked in a whisper, his heart pounding against his chest. “Felix. Is he here in Waegwan?” He shook his head. “He can’t be,” he tried to convince himself. Why would he be?

“Actually, yeah,” Daehwi nodded and gestured over his shoulder. “He works at the bar.  _ Nino’s _ . You know it, right? Great steak! They usually close early on weekdays but I’m sure he’s still in there if you want to…”

Seungmin was already stepping past Daehwi, heading in the direction of the bar. “Thank you,” he mumbled. 

“Wait. Do you remember the way? Do you want me to come with or…?”

He shook his head. 

“Look, for what it’s worth,” Daehwi placed a hand on his shoulder, “I’m sorry I was such a dick back in high school. Really sorry, Seungmin.”

“It’s fine,” Seungmin nodded, eager to get to the bar. His feet took him in quick strides and even though he knew he should take Jisung or Hyunjin or both with him, that in his old slacks and t-shirt he looked like shit, that this was not how he planned for things to go, he just couldn’t delay any longer. 

He was close now. So close. 

But was he ready?

He stood stoically outside the bar, hesitating to go in. The sign said ‘closed’ but the lights were all on. He could see the bartender wiping down the counter. Maybe he could come back tomorrow.

No. He wasn’t a coward.

He knocked on the door and the blonde haired man behind the bar raised a pierced eyebrow, crossing the room to unlock the door. “Sorry,” he grimaced, “we just closed. But if you need something…”

“Is Felix here?” he blurted, before he had time to back out. 

For a moment the bartender simply stared with narrowed eyes, but then he nodded. “Sure, come in. I’ll get him for you.”

Seungmin followed the man inside, glimpsing the nametag on his shirt.  _ Chan _ . He watched as Chan went into what he assumed was the kitchen. He shifted his feet, all too aware of how wobbly his knees felt. Afraid that he was going to collapse, he sat down at the closest table, tapping his fingers anxiously on the surface, taking deep breaths. Maybe he should’ve asked for a glass of water. He stared at the kitchen doorway. Felix was in there, wasn’t he? He was in there. Right now.

Maybe it was better if he did this in the morning. He should probably get more sleep first. And he’d dragged Jisung and Hyunjin all the way there just to leave them behind? No, he should go back. He could do this another time. Tomorrow, yeah. 

He pushed his chair back.

“Seungmin?”

Shit.

He took a deep breath before lifting his gaze to the kitchen doorway. And he didn’t know what he’d expected to happen. A clap of thunder? Lightening? Fireworks? An earthquake? 

There was nothing. No sirens going off in his head either. He didn’t feel… anything. The boy – no, the  _ man _ – that stared back at him was a stranger. It was Felix alright, but in the past few days Seungmin discovered that he didn’t know Felix, not like he’d thought he did, not like he’d wanted to. 

The confident strides of teenage Felix had been replaced by the tentative steps of adult Felix. Felix walked towards him in a slow, hesitant shuffle, his eyes growing wider with each step closer. As he approached the table, Seungmin studied him. The white apron did nothing to hide his slender, muscular figure. His hair was a dark shade of brown, almost black. Seungmin had almost expected to see the purple –  _ lavender _ – hair. A tattoo spiraled down the side of his neck disappearing beneath the front of his t-shirt. 

“I can’t believe it’s you…” Felix murmured, seating himself in the chair opposite Seungmin. He placed his visibly shaking hands on the table, and then probably decided it would be better to place them in his lap.

“In the flesh,” Seungmin nodded, lips forming a tight smile. He tried to channel all the anger, all the hate, all the heartbreak he’d felt over the past eight years, but came up with nothing. It was like it had all evaporated at the sight of Felix.

“How’ve you been, Felix? Or… Yongbok?” Seungmin had to ask, cocking his head to the side.

Felix’s brows shot up and he took a few seconds before he replied, “My grandfather named me Yongbok. It never really stuck… I mean, a few people insist on it – I…” he seemed baffled. “How’d you know about that?”

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Seungmin shrugged. “I looked for you.” He knew that made it sound like a simple task, as if he’d been taking a look in his closet to find an outfit. So he added, “In Sacheon, Semyang, Myeongdam… Here.” 

“Is everything okay?” The bartender, Chan, who had previously disappeared into the kitchen probably in a bid to give them privacy, approached with two glasses of water. With the way he intently looked at Felix, full of concern, Seungmin knew he wasn’t just there out of politeness.

“We’re alright,” Felix answered him with a smile, eyes flickering to Seungmin’s face and back down. When Chan brushed his fingers over Felix’s back, Felix glanced at Seungmin again, and this time the guilt was evident in his gaze.

Seungmin kept his face impassive, waiting for the bartender to disappear. “Are you both…?” he raised an eyebrow. Felix nodded, pulling his lower lip between his teeth. Seungmin tried to summon a burst of jealousy, envy, spite, anything… But there was only worry for Felix’s latest conquest. “Are you going to – is he…” he wondered how to phrase it without sounding bitter. “Well, I hope you won’t break  _ his _ heart.” Great. He sounded like a bitter ex-boyfriend and he really wasn’t. He wasn’t bitter. He was just… tired. 

Felix released the lip he’d been chewing on and sighed. “Seungmin, I’m… I’m really sorry. I didn’t want to break your heart. I just…” he shrugged. “I was awful, okay? But that’s the past, and we were kids. Moving on is the best thing we can do—”

“I didn’t come here for an apology,” Seungmin interrupted, realizing that what he’d thought was guilt in Felix’s gaze, was actually sympathy. And he did not want sympathy. He wasn’t some pathetic adult who couldn’t get over a school crush and he wasn’t going to let Felix reduce him to that. “I think we’re beyond that. I came here for an explanation.”

Felix’s eyes widened and he tilted his head to the side as if he seeing Seungmin for the first time. After a second, he took a deep breath, “Fine. This is going to sound like the most pathetic thing…” he nodded as if to encourage himself, and when he spoke again his voice was little more than a whisper, “You scared me.”

“I –  _ what _ ?” Seungmin stared, his jaw hanging. That had been the last thing he’d expected.

Felix nodded and began to explain, “The moment you started planning our future together, I got scared because I realized how serious you were about us. And then you told me that you loved me and you came out to everyone and it really freaked me out, Seungmin. You just put all of that weight on my shoulders without even warning me and I couldn’t handle it.” 

“So…” Seungmin’s brows furrowed, his lips slightly parted as he tried to process this. But no matter how many times he ran through it in his head, going over each word again and again, the way he’d studied in law school, it was always the same conclusion. “So you’re saying it was my fault?”

Felix blinked rapidly like he too was trying to process this. “I don’t mean – I just uh…” But he didn’t offer any further explanation.

This wasn’t what Seungmin came to hear. For years, he’d been at war with himself, trying to fight the part of himself that told him he wasn’t good enough, that he was the one who messed up his relationship with Felix, that he would mess up every other relationship too. This wasn’t what he’d wanted to hear from Felix. This was the last thing he needed to hear. Wordlessly, he rose to his feet and headed for the door.

“You know what?” Seungmin turned when he reached the doorway. “I always made excuses for what you did to me. But today, I’ve run out of excuses. And no matter how much you hurt me back then, I never felt as disappointed in you as I do today.” 


	14. Present

“What do you mean?” Jisung pushed his chair back and rose to his feet, angry red splotches blooming across his cheeks. “Seungmin, come on! You could’ve woken us! I mean, I could’ve gotten answers out of him! Proper answers, man!”

Seungmin groaned, his head in his hands. He’d just informed Jisung and Hyunjin about his late night encounter with Felix. And while he hadn’t gone into any specifics, he’d told them enough for them to gather that it hadn’t gone well.

“We don’t blame you,” Hyunjin interjected, earning a reproachful glare from Jisung. He returned Jisung’s glare with one of his own before reaching across the table for Seungmin’s hand. “I know you wanted to get it over with. And whatever happened between you and Felix, it’s not an experience you needed us to share in. And that’s fine. It’s just worrying that you came all the way here and to not get the answers you need…” he trailed off with a sigh, mouth downturned in an unhappy frown.

“Yeah,” Jisung cleared his throat and flopped back down into his chair. “That’s what I meant to say. Came off a bit too strong. And I’ve only had one cup of coffee so…”

“It’s fine,” Seungmin gave him an indulgent smile. He knew that Jisung was just as frustrated as he was. He also knew that Jisung was dying to get his hands on Felix (“If I don’t get at least one punch in, I’m going to lose my mind!”) and was miffed that he’d missed the opportunity. He waved over the waitress of the petite corner café they’d come across while hunting for good breakfasting options, and asked for more caffeine refills. That should reel everyone’s tempers in a bit. Once Jisung had a steaming cup in his hands, Seungmin said, “If Felix doesn’t want to talk, we can’t force him to.”

“Oh, I beg to differ,” Jisung snorted, slamming his fist into the palm of his other hand. “Just give me one minute alone with him and I swear…” he grinned, mirth dancing in his eyes. 

Seungmin rolled his eyes. “Let’s take a rain check on the road trip to prison, alright?”

“An exaggeration,” Jisung waved away his concern. “And that’s assuming he presses charges.”

The bell hanging above the café door chimed, signaling the entry of another customer, and all three patrons stopped their absurd conversation and turned to see the man enter. Seungmin narrowed his eyes at the stranger’s back, watching as he walked up to the counter and placed an order. Only when he turned his head to survey the rest of the empty café did Seungmin recognize him. Dressed in knee-length cargo shorts and a black muscle tee, he looked different from the professional barkeep he’d been just ten hours ago.  _ Chan _ , Seungmin remembered the tag on his shirt. He was too slow to look away, and Chan found him staring. 

“Hey,” Chan greeted, the corners of his lips lifting into a tentative smile. He grabbed a suspicious green bottled drink off the counter and strode over to their table. Seungmin pointedly ignored the baffled looks on Hyunjin’s and Jisung’s faces; he hadn’t told them about Chan. “Can I join you?” 

Jisung cocked his head to the side, a smile stretched across his face, studying Chan the way he usually did before pouncing on a potential property-owner in need of his services. Hyunjin on the other hand, kept his face blank and unreadable, studying Chan the way he usually did when spotting a potential threat (and it didn’t help that Chan had seated himself opposite Seungmin without waiting for the go-ahead). 

“Can we talk about Felix?” Chan asked, earning baffled looks from Jisung and Hyunjin.

“And who are you?” Hyunjin asked with narrowed eyes, obviously confirming that this was a potential threat. “Do we know you?”

“Uh…” Chan raised his brows, looking at Seungmin for help.

“This is Chan,” Seungmin introduced them, even though he himself hadn’t been introduced to the man before. “I met him last night.”

“Felix’s boyfriend,” Chan added with a smile. At this point, both Hyunjin and Jisung were shooting Seungmin with accusatory glares, only relenting when Seungmin muttered that it wasn’t necessary information. “Anyway,” Chan cleared his throat. “About Lix…”

“What about him?” Seungmin folded his arms across his chest, waiting to hear some weak defense of Felix’s actions from a guy who probably didn’t even know what Felix had done. 

“I know what happened with you, with… everyone in Felix’s past,” Chan explained, as if he could read the skeptical look on Seungmin’s face.

“Yeah?” Seungmin scoffed, amused at this turn of events. “When did he tell you? Last night? Did he think I was going to spill and tell you all about it?”

“Actually,” Chan straightened, “I’ve known since before we started dating. I was interested in him since he started working in the kitchen, and I could tell he was interested in me too but he refused to go on a date with me. And then he told me all about his past, trying to ward me off, I think.” Chan laughed and shook his head as if it was a fond memory. “But I was pretty persistent.”

“So you’re telling me,” Jisung butted in (even though it was Seungmin that Chan had been addressing and Chan really hadn’t been telling Jisung anything), “that you’re dating him knowing that you could be the next on his heartbreak list?”

Chan cringed a bit at the question but acquiesced with a nod, “That’s correct. If you can’t take a risk for love, is it really love at all? And it’s been a few years now, anyway, and Lix is still here, still with me.” There was a bit of guilt in his smile now when he looked at Seungmin. “I’m really sorry for what you went through. And if I were you, yeah, I’d want answers too.”

Love… That was some big talk. And Seungmin had to admit, when Chan spoke about Felix, it was all bared for him to see. He probably did love Felix. He smiled – a genuine smile – because it was hard to begrudge someone for falling in love. “I’m happy that things are going well for you,” he took a large gulp of coffee, waiting for it to warm his chest before continuing. “I just don’t think I’m ever going to get the answers I need from Felix.”

“You caught him off guard last night,” Chan shook his head. “He… I don’t think he was ready. But if you want to give it another go?” he raised his pierced brow questioningly. 

Seungmin nodded. “I could but how?”

“He goes for a run along the hiking trail every morning,” Chan told him. “If you leave now, you should catch him on his way down. The trail is just past the—”

“I know where it is,” Seungmin gave him a wry smile. Of course he knew. “That hiking trail…” he mused out loud. Out of all the places they could have that conversation, maybe it would be the most fitting.

He found the trail easily, but was surprised at how lush the greenery was compared to the last time he’d been there. Bunches of elderberries grew in the thickets that lined the path ahead, lending a sweet fragrance to the air, and calming Seungmin’s nerves a fraction. Memories of his relationship with Felix attacked Seungmin like a barrage of poison tipped knives. How many memories had they created on this very same trail? It was a rhetorical question yet he found himself sifting through the memories, reliving moments from each – the good and the bad – with every step he took on the rough terrain. 

Kissing beneath the stars, tentative touches and shy smiles; sharing a flask of hot chocolate, the tips of their noses and ears reddening from the chill in the air; petty arguments that ended with rushed apologies, and serious arguments with no solutions that always ended with a short-lived stalemate until one of them gave in and let the other have their way. 

As the terrain sloped upward, he found himself approaching the blinding glare of the sun. The irony didn’t escape him; every memorable moment with Felix had taken place beneath the cover of darkness, but this final moment – and whether he received answers or not, Seungmin was sure that this was the finale of his search for answers – was taking place in broad daylight. There was no need to hide like thieves in the night anymore, and it was a thought that brought him comfort.

The ground began to flatten out, thankfully, and Seungmin gasped at the breathtaking view laid out before him. Clusters of rocks marked the edge of the ravine that overlooked the rest of the town. With the residues of the morning mist clinging to the rooftops, it looked magical, something out of a fairy tale. The view had been great at night, what with the lights and the stars, but this…

“I like it better in the mornings.”

Seungmin nodded in agreement, “Me too.” He glanced at Felix who sat statuesque on a rock, and moved to join him, leaving a comfortable yet appropriate distance between them. “So…”

“I don’t know where to start,” Felix swallowed hard, staring unblinkingly at the swirling mist.

“The beginning?” Seungmin offered, giving him a hopeful glance. Maybe this was actually going somewhere.

Felix gave a firm nod, as though steeling himself, “I guess that starts with my family.” Seungmin listened wide-eyed. Was Felix really going to tell him everything? “At the beginning we were… happy. Yeah,  _ really _ happy.” A small smile formed on Felix’s lips when he said, “Mom and dad were high school sweethearts. Together for eight years before they had me. And when I came around… Well, mom always used to be jealous of the relationship I had with my dad. We were pretty tight, me and him. He was my role model, my best friend. And the thing that made me happiest was seeing how much he and mom loved each other. We had the perfect family.”

He paused, and Seungmin took the opportunity to voice his observation, “Had?”

“Had,” Felix agreed, fingers tracing the indentations on a rock. “And then I – my mother and I – found out that he wasn’t the person we thought we knew.” He let out a soft sigh and pulled his fingers into his lap where they fidgeted with the hem of his t-shirt.

“What happened?” Seungmin asked on a hunch that the answer would help decipher the mystery surrounding Felix. “What did he do?”

Felix released his lower lip from between his teeth. “He left when I was fourteen. Just took his stuff and walked out on us, left a note saying that –” he cleared his throat, and when he spoke again, his voice was so rife with emotion that Seungmin found himself placing a hand on his shoulder, “– that he wasn’t coming back, that he felt too stifled, that he had regrets – dreams he couldn’t follow, places he couldn’t go, the man he couldn’t be because he was tied down by mother… and me.”

“Felix…” Seungmin shook his head, unable to find an appropriate response. What could possibly comfort someone who’d gone through that?

“We waited, you know,” Felix let out a humorless chuckle. “A year, then two years, and then three. And at first I told myself that I never wanted to fall in love, that I  _ shouldn’t _ fall in love, and the longer we waited for him, the more disappointed we felt, the more convinced I became that love wasn’t a real thing. Because how could it be real when someone can walk out on the woman he supposedly loved, after twenty two years together? How can someone claim to love his son but walk out on him when he’s just fourteen years old?”

Seungmin’s relationship with his parents wasn’t a warm one. He seldom visited them in Incheon more than once a year. They had never pretended to accept who he was, and he’d stopped trying to strive for acceptance from them. The distance between them was a healthy one. He didn’t know what it felt like to have a good relationship with a parent and then have that relationship fractured. 

Felix spoke, pulling him away from his thoughts. “I made my mother’s life hell. Not intentionally, but… I didn’t know how to handle all of it. I was a bad kid, running away all the time, sometimes trying to find my father, trying to find answers, and sometimes running away just to get away from everyone. When we moved to Waegwan, it was because I promised my mother I would stop being that kid, that we could start afresh.” He shifted so that he could face Seungmin. “I didn’t set out to break your heart, Seungmin. I didn’t even want a relationship but I…” he sighed. “With you, I couldn’t help myself. I liked being with you, hanging out with you, talking to you, kissing you, holding your hand. It felt good. And it was so conflicting. There I was, determined never to have a relationship, yet in a closeted relationship with you. For a while, I consoled myself with a lie, telling myself that you weren’t serious about me, that you were gonna head off to college and forget about me, that you were never going to come out. Then you started talking about our future together and…” he looked away, eyes reflecting his guilt. Seungmin thought about all those times he’d been enthusiastically planning his future with Felix, unaware that while he planned, Felix had been freaking out about it. “I always kept my walls up around you,” Felix told Seungmin, “But I could feel them crumbling. And it scared me, so when you came out so suddenly, when you took that one solid step towards a future with me, I had to run. I had to run before I allowed myself to fall in love with you.”

Seungmin released a shaky breath. There they were – the answers he’d been after. And he understood Felix’s actions now. He understood, but he was still… “I get it,” he nodded, the words feeling heavy on his tongue. “I just – just – I still feel so  _ angry _ at you, Felix. And it’s frustrating that I can’t even blame you because you were… going through stuff.”

“Of course you can blame me,” Felix seemed taken aback. “If I were you, I’d blame me. I was selfish, running away without an explanation. No matter the reason, it was selfish of me. Leaving you here, surrounded by all these people, abandoning you… As soon as I left, I began to despise myself. Because I’d become this shadow of my father.”

Seungmin chewed on his lip, contemplating whether to pry, his curiosity winning out. “About the others – Changbin, Minho, Jeongin… Why would you do that to them? If you knew what you did to me was wrong, why would you do it again?” 

Felix pressed his lips together, and Seungmin began to think that it was the end of their conversation. Well, he couldn’t force Felix to tell him the rest; he wasn’t obligated to. 

“Changbin was unexpected,” Felix said, his voice cutting through the silence between them. “After what happened with you, I mean. I didn’t expect another relationship, and definitely not so soon. But I was so lonely. I needed someone and he was there, but I didn’t love him. I couldn’t, yet I knew how he felt about me. Still, I tried to let him down easy.” He paused and shook his head. “Actually, no. That was what I told myself – that I was doing him a favor. The truth is, I was a coward. I knew he never wanted to move out of that small town and that if I asked him to move away with me, he’d refuse and that would be the end of us. I wanted him to be the one responsible for breaking us up.”

“But he said yes,” Seungmin remembered Changbin’s story and tried not to get worked up about the wrongs Felix had committed years ago. “He told you he’d move away with you and you realized that you fucked up.”

“Yeah,” Felix swallowed hard. “I fucked up. With Minho too. You met him, yeah?” Seungmin nodded for him to continue. “Honestly, I thought I was ready then. I thought I was ready for a relationship with Minho. And I – I did love him.” Seungmin felt a pang of sympathy for his old self who had craved that love from Felix. “I loved him enough to stay with him for two years. But being at university, living in that little apartment together, was like living in a little bubble. Just the two of us. And once Minho graduated, I knew we’d be forced to experience the real world. I knew he was going to expect more from me. He started speaking about having a family and I just – I got cold feet so I ran again.”

Seungmin fixed Felix with a hard stare. “I thought you  _ loved _ him? How could you just leave? And how could you send him a fucking postcard?”

“I did love him!” Felix argued, exhaling a long sigh. “I sent him the postcard because I missed him. I missed him so much yet I wasn’t brave enough to go back to him. When I sent that postcard, I thought he’d write back to me, that he’d ask me to come back. Because if he did ask, I don’t think I could’ve said no to him.” Seungmin wondered what would have become of Felix’s and Minho’s relationship if they had gotten back together. Felix answered that too, “In hindsight, it was better that he didn’t. I would’ve probably broken his heart again.”

Then it was for the best that Minho hadn’t written to him, but still, “What about Jeongin?”

Felix seemed taken aback. “Jeongin? Look, I’m not to blame for that at least. The relationship Jeongin and I had, was never based on feelings, just attraction. It was physical. It wasn’t my fault that he caught feelings.”

“It wasn’t his fault either.” 

“I know that,” Felix snapped, his eyes flashing. “But what was I supposed to do, Seungmin?”

“You were supposed to handle it maturely instead of running like you always do!” Seungmin rose to his feet and turned away. “You’re such a coward, honestly. I can’t believe you used  _ me _ as an excuse to run from that situation.”

Felix followed after him. “I really came back to Waegwan to look for you. I realized that the thing Jeongin and I had going was over. And I didn’t know what to do. I kept thinking about all the relationships I’d ended, and I wanted to make things right, to apologise.”

Seungmin gave him a weary glance. “I guess you didn’t find me, but you did find someone, didn’t you?” He couldn’t understand how Chan could be in a relationship with someone who he  _ knew _ could break his heart at any given moment. But yeah, that was love, wasn’t it? He took a deep breath to reel in his temper and said in a measured tone, “You do need to make things right. I mean, you and I are fine now. I’m not going to hold any grudges, Felix. Not anymore. I spent the longest time finding faults with myself because I thought I was the problem. I needed this. To talk to you. To hear the truth of it all. To hear your side of things. And I’m not the only one who needs this. I have the answers now, but it’s on you to find the others who need those answers too. I know you found love here. And I’m glad. But don’t let that stop you from reaching out to the ones you left behind, to the ones who still yearn for closure, the ones who may still be afraid of finding love.”

A lone tear trailed down Felix’s cheek as he nodded, “I will, I promise.” He reached out a trembling hand, and so Seungmin found himself holding Felix’s hand. One last time. And when he let go, he felt lighter.

Everything felt lighter. Not just his body. But his mind. His soul. When Seungmin left Waegwan this time, it wouldn’t be in fear and shame, with the weight of rejection pushing down on his shoulders; that invisible weight he’d been carrying was no longer holding him down anymore.

  
  


“I would’ve totally kicked his ass,” Jisung said for the thousandth time since they’d left Waegwan. Behind him, Hyunjin stuffed his mouth with honey butter chips to stifle his laugh.

They’d only just reached Seungmin’s Seoul apartment and he wasn’t ready to say goodbye to either of them yet. Well, Hyunjin he would see whenever he wanted to. But with Jisung, video calls would have to do until the next time he visited from Malaysia. He’d only come back to Seungmin’s apartment to quickly throw the rest of his things into his suitcase. 

“I’m gonna miss you,” Seungmin drew him into a hug, uncharacteristically affectionate but it couldn’t be helped. “You know I’m really grateful, right?” he whispered. “If I didn’t have you then, if I didn’t have you now…”

“Your life would be a lot more boring for sure,” Jisung joked, but when he pulled back, his eyes were glassy. “I love you, bro. Anything for my best dude.”

“I love you too, Sung,” he said, ruffling his hair and getting his hand swatted away.

“Jealous?” Jisung peered around Seungmin and wiggled his eyebrows at Hyunjin. “You’ll get more than a hug when I’m gone,” he winked.

Seungmin shoved his shoulder, a flush creeping up his neck. Hyunjin, used to Jisung’s antics by now, just laughed and pulled Jisung into a one-armed hug. “Actually, I was thinking, the next time Seungmin and I get some time off, we could actually visit you in Malaysia.”

Seungmin blinked back his surprise and smiled. “If you can tolerate spending your vacation with Jisung, then yeah, sure.”

Hyunjin gave a one-shouldered shrug and a lopsided grin. “Anything for you.”

“I told you he’s a good one!” Jisung exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air. 

Seungmin exchanged an amused look with Hyunjin, and together, they saw Jisung off.

Later that day, when it was just the two of them standing on the balcony and watching the sun setting below the horizon, Seungmin could feel Hyunjin’s eyes on him. “You’re staring,” he chuckled, warmth blooming in his cheeks. 

Unfazed, Hyunjin unlinked their hands and wrapped his arms around Seungmin instead, holding him against his chest as he asked, “Are you doing okay, Minnie?”

For once, when asked that question, Seungmin could smile. “Yes,” he answered honestly for the first time in a long time, “Yes, I’m doing okay. Actually, I’m really happy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another journey has come to an end! Endings always make me sad even if they're happy endings. So many of you have told me that you relate to this story and the characters, and that means a lot to me because I do too! I'm so grateful for those of you who have read this, commented and left kudos! Your thoughts, opinions and criticisms are always welcome 💗  
> Twt: flora_stays  
> IG: florathewriter

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! So grateful for comments and kudos 💕💕💕💕💕💕  
> IG: FloraTheWriter  
> Twt: flora_stays


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